Free The Love Machine & Other Contraptions by Nir Yaniv Page A

using.
    “Frrrr!” frrrr-ed the device angrily.
    “What are you doing, you nut!” screamed Elijah and grabbed the VegeSnap from him. “Do you want to ruin it?”
    “Why? What could I have possibly done?” said Schwartz innocently.
    “The device,” said Elijah, “is very sensitive to temperature. I hope nothing happened to it!”
    He had to re-tune his VegeSpam, and to run all the tests he had run earlier. Afterwards he spent very little time with us, but generously shared all of the interesting details he had discovered, to which we tried to pay no attention at all. We learned, against our will, that Quaker Oats sometimes have parasites, that it takes a while to identify sushi, and that gelatin is not a vegetarian food.
    “Not vegetarian?” I asked.
    “Gelatin is made of ground fish bones,” said Schwartz, spitefully happy. “I’ve known that since army boot camp. Check the candies you’re scarfing down.”
    “I didn’t know that,” said Elijah, embarrassed. “I really like jelly stuff. Damn!”
    “It’s not so bad,” Schwartz added. “Tomorrow you’ll discover that the soybean is also a kind of animal, and then we’ll really have a ball.”
    “Get off his case,” I said. “We’re going to spend two months in this stupid spaceship together. Your idea, by the way.”
    “ You decided to get him the complete collection of Mess Tin .” retorted Schwartz. “What a great idea that was!”
    “ I ,” I said, “was not the person who decided that we, of all the people in the whole wide world, would be the ones to find extraterrestrial intelligent life.”
    “You just wait and see,” said Schwartz. “I researched this. It has to be this one. Of all the planets surveyed, Eta Pegasi III...”
    “Okay, just shut up already.”
    And so, the delegation’s spirits were quite high at the outset of our expedition.
    ~
    “That’s BML/407,” said the launch supervisor. “It has a huge baggage compartment, three living areas, a small lounge and a centrifugalized restroom. And it’s all yours. Where are you off to?”
    “Eta Pegasi,” I said. “Research—the usual shtick.”
    “God,” said Schwartz. “My wife’s car looks better!”
    “It’s been through some hard times,” the supervisor said, “but she’s passed the inspection and everything’s a-okay, apart from some problem with the supplies. You ordered something special, right?”
    “Yes,” said Elijah. “A third of the food should be vegetarian.”
    “What a piece of junk,” said Schwartz. “It really reminds me of boot camp.”
    “That’s right,” the supervisor said. “I remember now there was a problem with the food, but we fixed it. You have some three hundred slices of toast we got special for you, and some crackers, and more of the same.”
    “And is there anything to eat with that?” I asked.
    “Do all your ships look like this?” Schwartz inquired.
    “Yeah, sure! Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, thousand-island dressing, baked beans, peanut butter, liver-flavored eggplant pâté, you know, it’s what everybody eats.”
    Elijah opened his mouth to ask something, but I managed to get a word in first. “What about our food?” I asked.
    “No problems there,” said the supervisor. “You’ve got twenty-two different kinds of meat, pressure-packed, fruit and vegetable concentrates, thirteen different sauces, potatoes, and so on. Like I said, everything’s a-okay.”
    “I don’t believe it,” said Schwartz. “You call this thing BML/407? This isn’t a B-M-L, it’s a BUMMEL is what it is!”
    And thus our new home for the next few months was named.
    Elijah made some squeaks of protest that a woman’s name wasn’t chosen, but Schwartz diverted his attention by revealing to him the fact that potatoes are actually a dormant animal life-form. When the rhubarb died down, we brought our baggage into the Bummel and were launched towards the stars.
    ~
    Imagine a scientific journey to an unknown planet. You probably