Free Second Chance by Sian James Page B

have been... what you said... but he wouldn’t have wanted to harm anyone, you can be sure of that. I think you should try to get your mother to believe he was going to America intending to make his fortune before sending for her. I think she might find some comfort in that, don’t you?’
    â€˜Uncle Ted thinks...’ I started to say, when he’d left and my mother and I were on our own.
    â€˜It doesn’t matter what your Uncle Ted or anybody else thinks,’ she said. ‘I’ve laid him to rest now. He left me. And then he died. It’s a sad, sad story, but now it’s over. I’m sorry you never knew him, but now it’s over... Do you think I’m hard?’
    â€˜Hard? You’ve mourned him for fifteen years.’
    â€˜Fifteen years and three months. And now it’s over.’
    It was over, all the waiting and crying. But nothing took its place. There was never anyone else in her life.
    But there was suddenly another voice in my head. The busy-body, Maggie Davies. ‘And poor old George Williams will be at the funeral as well. Because he was very friendly, you know, with your mother in these latter years.’
    Hers was the last voice I heard before falling asleep.
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    I slept deeply, but woke before it was light. I’d been dreaming again about the abortion I had three years ago.
    I’d come off the pill because of some headaches I’d been having, and in no time at all discovered I was pregnant. I was very excited for a day or so.
    â€˜What if I told you I was pregnant?’ I asked Paul when he came back from some foreign trip.
    â€˜You can’t be, love. We’ve been tremendously careful.’
    â€˜What if I told you I wanted to be pregnant?’
    â€˜Well, that would be different, wouldn’t it? If you really wanted a baby I’m sure you could persuade me to go along with it.’ He sounded very tired.
    â€˜You’d have to be persuaded, though? You wouldn’t be enthusiastic?’
    â€˜I wouldn’t be madly enthusiastic, darling, because of my age. I’m almost fifty, you know that, and besides I thought we’d decided against it.’
    â€˜You’re right. We had.’
    â€˜And you’re very nearly forty, love, though God knows you don’t look it. I think we should consider this quite carefully, don’t you? About how old we’d be when the child was a teenager, and so on. I mean, if we did decide to go ahead.’
    â€˜We’d certainly have to consider it very carefully,’ I said, all the joy seeping out of me.
    â€˜And I wonder what Annabel and Selena would think about it,’ Paul continued. ‘They’re at an age to be rather upset, don’t you think? We’d have to consider the effect it might have on them.’
    That seemed the last straw. ‘Say no more,’ I said, ‘I’ve decided against it. We won’t speak of it again.’
    I gave up without a struggle. I made an appointment at a private clinic, timed for Paul’s next trip abroad, and went through with the termination, knowing quite well that I’d suffer after it. Yes, I suffered after it. Yes, I regretted it bitterly.
    I never mentioned it to anyone except to my dresser at the theatre. She was a motherly fifty year old who knew immediately that something was troubling me.
    â€˜Come on, tell Nancy all about it. What’s wrong with you?’
    â€˜What makes you think there’s anything wrong with me?’
    â€˜You look different. Your face is clenched and your skin is wet as a fish. Your old man been playing you up, has he?’
    â€˜It’s not that.’
    â€˜What, then?’
    â€˜Oh Nancy, I had an abortion yesterday. And I feel awful.’
    She put her arms round me and hugged me. She said nothing for a long time, but I could feel her sympathy. I felt she must have had an abortion herself at some stage, to understand so much. She didn’t