Free Lovelace and Button (International Investigators) Inc. by James Hawkins Page B

aboard.”
    Daphne and Bliss crash together on the settee, and Daphne giggles for more than a minute while Bliss extricates himself and props her against the settee’s arm.
    â€œWhat’s this about a letter from Minnie?” Bliss asks, and her laughter turns to tears.
    â€œThe stupid fucking — oops, sorry, Chief Inspector, sir,” starts Daphne, then she pulls herself together and sits upright. “S’cuse me… Little Miss Potty Mouth…Where was I? Oh, yes. Silly billy — hah-hah, Minnie’s a silly billy.”
    She looks to Bliss, pleading for sympathy as her eyes fill up, and she sniffs loudly as she says, “She’s a — She’s a dead silly billy, David.”
    â€œI know.”
    â€œD’ye know… D’ye know… D’ye know what she did?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œShe’s a silly — oops, I already said that… She… Are you sure you don’t want a scotch?”
    â€œNo, honestly —”
    â€œI think I’ll have another.”
    â€œAre you certain?”
    â€œNo… No… Well, all right, just a teensy-weensy — hah-hah, teensy-weensy, teensy-weensy. Hah-hah, that’s funny — teensy-weensy, teensy-weensy, teensy-weensy… That’s funny, isn’t it, Chief Constable?… Oops, now I’ve insulted you.”
    â€œDaphne, love, what about Minnie?”
    â€œStupid fuck — oh, I already said that. Look…” then she slides onto the floor and crawls towards thecoffee table on all fours. Missie Rouge rises from the carpet, her red-haired hackles rising, and backs away warily as Daphne barks at the confused creature. “Woof-woof… woof-woof… hah-hah…”
    â€œDaphne…”
    â€œOh, yes…” she says, raising herself onto her knees and saluting firmly. “Daphne Ophee… Ophee… Daphne Ophelia Lovelace, number 7311281 reporting, Mr. Chief Constable, sir.”
    â€œWhat about Minnie?” demands Bliss.
    Daphne falls back to the floor and grasps a letter from the coffee table. “Wrong address,” she says clearly as she holds the letter triumphantly aloft for a second, then she crashes headlong onto the carpet.
    â€œOh, shit!” mutters Bliss as he rushes to her aid.
    Five minutes later, Daphne is in her bed, snoring loudly, and Bliss leaves her door wide open so that he can listen to the reassuring sound as he returns to the living room and Minnie’s letter.
    My dear friend,
starts the letter, as Bliss helps himself to a large scotch and carries on reading.
I don’t know how to tell you the bad news. I was so looking forward to seeing all those lovely places you’re always talking about — you’ve been so lucky, but I’m afraid I just got carried away and I don’t think I can afford it now. I know I’ve let you down, but please try to forgive me. You’re the only friend I have and I can’t bear the thought that I’ve hurt you. Please forgive me.
    â€œâ€˜Ms. D. Lovelace, 27 Stonebridge Road,’” says Bliss aloud as he reads Minnie’s handwriting off the envelope, and he sees the problem immediately. It’s Stone
bank,
he says to himself, then he checks the postmark and realizesthat the letter has been bouncing around the sorting office for over a week.
    â€œIt sounds suspiciously like a suicide note,” Bliss is telling Donaldson by phone a few minutes later, as he relays the letter’s contents.
Which leaves us with something of an embarrassment,
he thinks, though he doesn’t say it, realizing that Donaldson is quite capable of working out the ramifications for himself.
    â€œWhy the hell did she book that trip if she knew she couldn’t afford it?” soliloquizes Donaldson as he looks for a scapegoat while Bliss is wondering who is going to tell the media, the coroner and Stapleton’s lawyer that the young man may not only be