Free A Heart's War (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 5) by Carey Decevito Page B

In case you haven’t noticed, Jasper worships the ground you walk on and Abigail…”  He groaned his frustration. “You’ve been out of our lives long enough.  It’s time for you to get out of that rut of yours.”
    “And how do you suppose I do that, huh?”  Rage overwhelmed me and I shot to my feet, keeping my back to him.  “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
    “You’re right, I don’t.  So why don’t you explain it to me?”
    I turned sharply to face him and my rage dissipated to a manageable level.  Maybe I should.
    Something told me that if anyone would understand where I was coming from, outside of the military, it would be my brother.  Paxton wouldn’t judge me; if anything, he’d defend me like he always has.
    My voice came out sounding hoarse.  “The things I saw, the things I did over there, P…” I swallowed the ever-growing lump in my throat. “No one should go through that.”
    “I think we can both agree that everyone here at home knows that you’ve seen and done things that are far from honorable to make ends meet, things that chip away at the humanity inside of you.”
    I nodded and met his gaze, mine hardening.  “You’re right.”  Gritting the next words through my teeth, I asked, “Tell me, little brother, have you ever taught Jasper how to use a gun?”
    “What’s this got to-?” He clued in almost immediately as to what caused my earlier behavior and his mouth snapped shut.
    “What would you do, how would you deal, if your son turned around on you with an automatic rifle and shot your family to death in front of your eyes, all because it was a rite of passage, a proof of his loyalty?
    “How would you feel if you had to turn the gun on some kid no bigger than Jasper in self-defence, to protect your men?  What about if your brother, your father, your mother even, approached you as if welcoming you home only to blow you and everyone within a hundred meters to smithereens?”
    The more I went on, the easier it got to purge the atrocities I had come to witness.  “How about watching your friends, your brothers and sisters-in-arms die in front of your very eyes?  Or not knowing if you’re going to make it to the next day, and breathing each breath as if it might be your last?  We’re all trained and we know the risks we’re taking, but it doesn’t really sink in until you’re over there, bro.
    “You know what’s worse?  It’s knowing that you’ve failed those that you’ve sworn to protect and bring back to their families safely.  Sorry doesn’t cut it when you fuck up over there, Paxton.”  I swallowed hard, trying to keep my emotions from taking over.  “Failing means casualties.  It messes with your head.  My superiors only care about one thing, and it sure isn’t those that serve beneath them.  We’re all dispensable to them, unless we have something they want.  I found out a little too late, though, that the final outcome of the mission was the only thing they were after. It’s all about them winning their latest pissing match.
    “I lived all of that, little brother.” I took a deep breath.  “I lost too many friends, friends I swore to protect.  They had my six and they thought I had theirs.  Only, I failed them.  I’m no good.  I’m not the man that you, Mom, Dad, or anyone else thinks I am.  I’m not deserving to stand here. I should have died over there along with the parts of me that did dozens of times-”
    “You’re right where you need to be, Theodore Lowell.”
    I spun around.  “Dad?”
    “Get that shit out of your head, son.  You did what you were supposed to do over there.  What you were trained to do.  What you were ordered.  You keep ignoring the fact that you weren’t the one to get them in that explosion.  You didn’t set those charges.  Sure, they died, and you lived.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, and I imagine even tougher because you were their leader at the time, and