Free The collected stories by Paul Theroux Page A

Wibbert waltzed with Tanya. I was tapped on the shoulder. Cyril had taken off his spectacles. He said, 'May I have the pleasure?' and slipped his arm around my waist.
    Friendship is algebra, but there are operations most people are too impatient or selfish to perform. Any number is possible! There is a cynical side to this. Ronald used to say that you can sleep with anyone you like - you only have to ask. That is almost entirely selfish. But one can be unselfish, even in sleeping around - in giving everything and expecting nothing but agreeable company. 'Giving everything,' I say; but so little is actually required - a good-natured remark, a little flattery, a drink.
    But I have been bold. Not long after my election to the Royal Society I saw a production of Streetcar Named Desire, with Annette Frame playing Blanche Dubois. I wrote her a fan letter. She replied.

    ALGEBRA
    I replied. We exchanged letters on a weekly basis - mine were letters, hers postcards. Then I popped the question. Would she join me for a drink? We agreed on a date and though she was leery at first she stayed until the wee hours. Now I count her as one of my dearest friends. Algebra.
    I sometimes think that in my modest way I have discovered something that no one else knows. When Virginia Byward got her OBE it was I who helped her choose her dress and I who drove her to the Palace. A year before I would not have believed it to be possible, and yet as we rounded Hyde Park Corner I realized we were hurrying to meet the Queen. 'Alice,' Virginia calls me when she is a little tipsy and tearful. But the life I have is the life I have always wanted. I am surprised that no one has realized how simple it is.
    Once, I thought that in agreeing to attend my parties these people were doing me an enormous favor, taking time off from busy schedules to flatter my vanity. Later I saw how empty their lives were. Td have lunch with anyone remotely human,' Wibbert once said. It was the saddest thing I had ever heard. Now it is clear that if it were not for me they would drearily write their books and live drearily alone and be too proud and unimaginative to invite each other round.
    They take me as I am. I pose no threat; but more, I believe I have brought some joy into their lives - as much into Mr Momma's as Sir Charles's. It is only awkward when, very late in the evening, their gratitude gets the better of them and they insist on hearing something about my latest book. I say it's dreadful, everything's up the wall, I haven't written a word for ages. And they accept this. They even seem a bit relieved when I change the subject and uncork another bottle.

    The English Adventure
    'You have read already The Times?
    'I just did so.'
    Tor my lateness I am deeply sorry, but there was the parking. So much of traffic in this town now. I think it is the Germans and their campings. It is fantastic'
    'I hate the campings. And the Germans are a shame. You see? There are some at that table. Listen to them. Such a language.'
    'I much prefer the English.'
    'Indeed. Quite so.'
    'Why are you drinking genever at this hour?'
    'For The Times. I had the tea and finished it. But there was still more of The Times. I could not have more tea, so I took some genever. And so I finished The Times, but I still have the genever.''
    'Henriet! You will be drunk for Janwillem!'
    'It is easier to speak English if one is drunk, and tonight is Janwillem's church.'
    'A lousy night for Janwillem.'
    'He likes the church, Marianne. Last week he has missed the church and he has been so ashamed.'
    'I mean that. Happy as a louse on a dirty head. We say "a lousy time" for a happy time.'
    'We say a jolly time.'
    'A jolly time, thank you. Did you learn this in The Times?
    'I learned this in England.'
    'Have you had a jolly time in England?'
    'A lousy time.'
    'Henriet! You are drunk already. So I will have the tea. Last week, I had the tea, but no English. I said to the boy, "One pot of tea and two cakes, if you