Free Norman Invasions by John Norman Page A

imminent extinction of the human race.
    And the humble hairbrush is implicated in this fortuitous sociobiological confluence.
    A wise old woman, one supposes, for such seem most likely to track such cultural currents, noted that the numbers of extant children tended to decrease from month to month. It then occurred to her that if the blows administered by the instrument of discipline, the rock or club, were suitably cushioned in some way the children, statistically, would be more likely to survive, and the tribe might then make use of them in their maturity, for, say, spearing mammoths and bringing the meat home. We do not know how she came to this insight, but one might suppose that she herself had once, in her hairless youth, perhaps in pursuing a fleeing male, been surprised by, and cuffed by, a cave bear. Perhaps she should have known better than to have pursued a devotee of, or priest of, the bear god. In any event, she survived, with little more than a severe headache and a few claw marks. Had she been struck by the fleeing male’s club, on the other hand, she might have had to put aside forever her hopes of winning his favor. At her instigation, several of her tribesmen, fearing, perhaps because of the claw marks, that she might be a witch, began to wrap fur about their disciplinary rocks and clubs. This act was regarded as a concession to decadence by the child psychologists and social workers of the day, but, statistically, more and more children survived, and the innovation began to catch on.
    A wise old man, then, one supposes, for such seem most likely to track such cultural currents, began to note that the surviving female children, particularly those who managed to make it past puberty, began to look better and better to him, for their hair, now, was no longer the unkempt brushy tangle of yesteryear, loaded with twigs, leaves and lice, but was now long, silken, and glossy, a veritable pelt. He pondered long on these things and the matter was decided for him when a number of baboons and orangutans surprised and began to accost, in a vulgar manner, a number of village maidens innocently bathing in a nearby pool. As in those days mature, healthy, sexually normal male baboons and orangutans served as the arbiters in such delicate matters it was made clear to the old man, and others, that the tribal maidens had passed a severe test. If they could be of interest to judges so discriminating and able what mere human being, particularly one without a great deal of hair, would have the temerity to challenge a verdict so perspicacious and authoritative? In any event, many of the young males began to reduce their time with the boys and the number who flung themselves from cliffs in despair also declined. Similarly, the bear god now began to languish for devotees and priests and had to look more closely to the protection of his caves.
    And the tribe began to increase.
    And not only, of course, were the young human females now redeemed by, and enhanced by, their long, glossy hair, which they tended to dress and care for with great attention and vanity, when not fighting off the advances of males of a variety of species, but many of the young males, as well, now appeared better groomed than hitherto, and this fact was not long left unnoted by the pursued and appetitious maidens, whose rate of speed now tended to be correlated with the attractiveness of the pursuer.
    It was thus that two sociobiological currents converged, fortunately for the human race. First, socialization, or child training, no longer, in most cases, constituted a hazardous time for youth, and a shift in aesthetic tastes took place, as well, from the lumbering, shaggy female to the graceful, quickly moving, but no more quickly moving than necessary, sexy, shapely, largely hairless but nonetheless beautifully pelted female.
    It might be noted in passing that the child psychologists and social workers of the day now began to recommend cushioned disciplinary