Free Planetfall by Emma Newman Page B

time for this one.”
    â€œYou were the best astrophysicist in Europe,” I say, pressing my hand against the pad on the door frame. “I would stick to interpreting data that can be verified objectively. For all our sakes.”

8
    SEVERAL HOURS LATER I’m curled up on my bed, my back pressed up against a pile of clothes I need to sort through, looking at the vase I’ve reclaimed from the top of the Masher. It took a while to find the perfect place for it, and even though it’s precariously balanced, it looks right there. I wonder about who made it again. That makes me think about the failing printer, which brings thoughts of Carmen’s words back to me. Why doesn’t she see what she’s doing?
    I told Sung-Soo we hadn’t lost anyone yet. That was only a half-truth. We haven’t lost anyone to anaphylactic shock or accidental poisoning, but we have lost someone to something worse.
    It started in the same way; that’s why Carmen infuriates me so. How can she not remember the streams filled with speculation about what God would want us to do? Can’t she remember what Liam yelled at everyone the last night we saw him?
    â€œHow does Mack know what God expects? He doesn’t even believe in him! What if this is the last test? What if thePathfinder is waiting for us to join her? I’ve had dreams too! I’ve spoken to her too!”
    Liam was losing it and we could all see him unraveling in front of us. He wasn’t eating properly nor attending to his share of the work that needed to be done. His partner had been in one of the pods that failed to land with us. Oh God, I can still hear the sound of his screaming when he was told.
    I did that to him.
    I access my server and review the colony’s energy consumption data, but the numbers aren’t enough to crowd out the guilt and memories of Liam’s feet swinging back and forth, back and forth.
    I close the file and crawl over to the plate of food I’ve been trying to eat all evening. I haven’t had a proper meal all day and the last thing I need is for Kay to get a notification that something is wrong with me. I pick at the meal, but it’s not what I need. The only thing that will satisfy me isn’t food and it isn’t in the colony. It’s in God’s city, and I know I have to go back there tonight.
    The party for Sung-Soo has already started and Mack has pinged me twice. I just can’t face it. Not after today. This time a message arrives. Sung-Soo keeps asking where you are. Are you coming, Ren?
    Tell him I’m not feeling—
    I delete that. If I tell anyone I’m feeling ill, they’ll come over.
    I’m shattered, Mack. Tell him I’m sorry but I just can’t—
    I’m being crap. I should be there. I delete the half-written message and check the network. Everyone seems to be there;at least there’s a hell of a lot of chat about it on the public stream and everyone with their location markers set to “public” is in the Dome. That’s a skewed sample though; the kind of people who don’t mind everyone else knowing where they are twenty-six hours a day are the kind of people who like parties.
    Either way, my absence is being remarked upon and there are several mentions in my personal stream asking when I’ll be there. People are talking about how lovely Sung-Soo is and how much he reminds them of the Pathfinder.
    â€œFuck!” I say to the ceiling and notice a crack in the coating. It isn’t changing color in response to my carbon dioxide. “Fuck,” I say more quietly at the sight of it.
    I can’t find any clean clothes, so I print a new set of trousers and a loose top. I manage to locate a belt and pull it free from the pile of stuff on top of it. A quick brush down and it looks like it’s just been printed. I run a hand over my head. My hair is too short to need any styling, but it will need a wash soon. I