Free Maternity Leave by Trish Felice Cohen Page B

worth of peanut butter jars that I stockpiled just in case I met someone. Unfortunately, they tended to serve less as a distraction for my dog and more as a reminder to me that I’d been celibate for an inordinately long stretch of time.
    Paul cooked his chili, which tasted remarkably similar to spaghetti with cinnamon. We ate on the deck and played fetch with Sonny, who became excited and started humping Paul. It was frustrating that my neutered dog was getting more action than me from Paul. Sonny never humps me when it’s just the two of us. But the second company comes over, Sonny gets really excited and starts humping anything in sight.
    Initially, I tried solving this problem by having my friends tell Sonny that they had a headache. When that didn’t work, I bought Sonny a girlfriend, a stuffed elephant that was slightly larger than him. Whenever Sonny started humping my friends’ legs, I substituted their leg with his elephant. Sonny is not a gentle lover. He grabs his elephant by the trunk, thrashes it around, then humps it. My friends found this hugely amusing and it has become such a famous party trick that the elephant has become extremely tattered and worn out. Now, whenever Sonny shakes the elephant, its stuffing falls out of the holes where Sonny ripped out its eyeballs, and I have to clean every time a guest leaves the house.
    Paul was familiar with Sonny’s humping problem from past experience. So, when the humping started, Paul walked into the house dragging Sonny on his leg, and got the elephant. We watched the animal porn for a while, then went into the house. Paul brought a movie over, put it into the DVD player, and sat on the couch. I sat down next to him and initiated a make-out session. We were both fully clothed and on top of each other when I finally called a time out and invited Paul into my bedroom. I littered the floor with peanut butter jars, and shut my bedroom door.
    Ten minutes later, we were still fully clothed. I was bored and absent-mindedly cracked my knuckles while he was kissing me. Then I said, “I have condoms.”
    He said, “That’s not it. You’re going to think this is weird, but I’m saving myself for marriage.”
    “Get the fuck outta here.” I said laughing. Paul wasn’t laughing, so I asked, “Seriously?”
    “Yes.”
    “I didn’t know you were religious.”
    “I’m not, but I went to twelve years of Catholic school and I think it’s important to wait until marriage before having sex.”
    “That rule was invented when people got married at the age of twelve and lived until they were twenty-five. It’s inapplicable today.”
    “Sorry, I know it sounds weird, but it doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Well, you know.”
    “No, I don’t. I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re a twenty-five-year-old virgin by choice. What is the other way you have fun?”
    “Oral and, well, anal if you want.”
    “You’re kidding right?” I asked.
    “No,” he said. “It’s not sex.”
    “You mean to tell me that, for God, you only engage in oral and anal sex?
    Paul turned red and mumbled, “I’ve never had anal, but I’m okay with it if you want.”
    “Did the Jesuits teach you that? No wonder they’re okay with molestation, they don’t think its sex.”
    “No they didn’t teach us that,” Paul said, getting visibly angry. “It just makes sense.”
    “Actually, it’s completely illogical. It’s amazing that you blend into society like a normal person. I’m stunned,” I said.
    “This isn’t funny.”
    “I’m not laughing,” I pointed out.
    Paul paused, looked at me earnestly, and said, “You know, I don’t care that you’re not a virgin if that’s what this is about.”
    “That thought actually never crossed my mind. As an aside, you’re not a virgin either if you’ve come in a girl’s mouth while the two of you were bare-ass naked.”
    “Of course I am,” Paul insisted. Then he said,