Free Hold Me Never (Holding Never) by Natalie Kristen Page A

My mother would rub noses with me and kiss the top of my head,
every night and every morning. I miss her so much, all the time.
    The warm water spills down my face and I am not sure if
they are tears or just water. It doesn't matter. My eyes are
stinging from the shampoo and the soapy water. It's just the soap
that's causing my tears. Nothing else.
    The water is turned off at last, and I feel Gwin's
small, soft hands patting me dry. When she removes the towel from my
body, I instinctively move my hands to try to cover myself.
    “ Come, we have to go out now Zoey.”
    But I'm completely naked!
    As if she has heard my silent protest, Gwin holds out a
hand to me. “We'll go out together.”
    She parts the curtain slowly and I see that the room is
now half empty. Most of the young women have left the platforms.
They must have completed their “grooming.” Only less
than a dozen girls are still frozen on their platforms.
    Some of them flick their eyes to me when I step up on an
empty platform. One of them offers a quick smile before making like
a statue once more. I smile back at her but she has already looked
away. Her shoulder length blond hair reflects the light from the
large overhead lamps. She is fair with large, hazel eyes. Her eyes
dart everywhere, but she seems afraid to look at me again. She
appears to be around my age, maybe younger.
    I glance at the rest of the girls. All their bodies are
perfectly smooth. There is not a single hair under their arms,
between their thighs, on their legs, anywhere on their gleaming
bodies.
    I cup my hand awkwardly over the short curls between my
legs.
    Gwin begins to apply a fragrant, white lotion down my
legs. “This might sting a little, so bear with it,” she
warns quietly. “But you'll get used to it.”
    Used to it? Am I to get used to this? How many
times am I supposed to go through this?
    “ Okay.”
    I squeeze my eyes shut, shutting down my mind and senses
as well.
    The sensation of creams being slathered over my skin and
my hairs being ripped from my legs, arms, underarms, crotch simply
becomes something foreign and far away.
    Through the whole “grooming” process, I keep
my eyes tightly closed.
    There is nothing I want to see, nothing I want to feel.
    I don't think of what is being done to me here and now.
    Instead, my mind transports me back to that small
elevator, in that enclosed space, to that timeless moment, when Jaxon
pulled me into his arms and we shared the same breath, and that one,
searing kiss.
    My body throbs and my breath catches at the vivid
memory. I remember his eyes, his hands, his touch, his chest, his
heartbeat, his scent, his taste. I remember how—right the kiss
felt.
    I gasp and I am not sure if the wetness between my legs
is due only to the pungent oils and lotions being slathered over
every inch of my bare body. My skin is tingling, stinging, sensitive
to the touch. I open my eyes and glance down. I have been plucked
and waxed, polished and perfumed to smooth, glistening perfection.
    My body no longer looks or feels like my own. It looks
like a strange, fake, shiny plastic body with my head stuck on it.
    Gwin dresses me quickly in those narrow strips of brown
cloths, arranging and tying them expertly over my breasts and hips.
    Carefully, she screws the caps back onto the
dark-colored bottles and jars on a mechanized trolley beside her.
    She steps back and smiles, not with satisfaction, but
with sadness.
    I watch her red curls bounce as she limps away. My eyes
flick round the room. The girls have left and the platforms are all
empty now. The Matrons are quietly cleaning, folding, packing up,
wiping down the sinks and trolleys.
    Despite their limps and hunched shoulders, not one of
the Matrons look older than forty. They are young, in their twenties
or thirties at most. In fact some of them look almost as young as...
    There is a sinking, sick feeling in my gut.
    I stare round the empty platforms, and I see their
ghosts.
    I can see them,