Free Home To India by Jacquelin Singh Page A

Berkeley had been like, and failed. I supposed there would have been wild oats covering the dry, yellow hills of California, and on their gentle slopes, the neat, patterned shade of the occasional clump of oak trees. As soon as the image surfaced, it floated away like the scene in a mirage.
    At the same time, uneasiness over my status within the family grew as the days without rain followed one upon the other, and the silence from the District Commissioner in Ambala remained unbroken. Tej and I bickered through the long afternoons in our little Persian-carpeted room, once the joys of the flesh had been savored and the sweat wiped away. Three days after Uncle Gurnam Singh drove off with half the family, the lid flew off.
    â€œI need to know where I stand,” I said. “I’ve been keeping quiet, trying to get the hang of things here. Just seeing what’s going on. Where I fit in. I can’t go on wondering what other people think of me. Mataji has put us in the same room together, as if we were man and wife.”
    â€œThat’s because we are, or will be soon enough.”
    â€œNot soon enough for me,” I said.
    â€œDo you think I’m enjoying this wait?” he asked. “It’s bad enough without you making it worse with all your imaginings.”
    â€œThey’re not imaginings. You don’t know what it’s like, dealing with the women in this house,” I said.
    â€œDon’t try to draw me into your squabbles,” Tej said. “I refuse to take their side and I refuse to take yours. It’d be a mess if I got into your kitchen quarrels.”
    â€œThey’re not even quarrels,” I went on. “Nobody says anything outright. There are lots of innuendos and sneaky asides and meaningful pauses. I’m tired of it. I don’t know how to handle it.”
    â€œI say it’s all in your head.”
    â€œI say it isn’t! Rano told me what they said the day Uncle arrived, about his having a concubine and all …”
    â€œWhat’s that got to do with you?” Tej said.
    â€œThat’s what I need to know,” I said. “The way she was going on and on about that kept woman, keeping the whole kitchen eagerly tuned in to her talk. It wasn’t lost on me that she was forcing a comparison.”
    â€œShe . Who?” Tej wanted to know.
    â€œWho else but Dilraj Kaur?” I said. “Mataji just goes along with whatever she says, without pausing to think. I don’t believe Mataji would hurt my feelings on purpose. And the girls are friendly to me. But for how long? Under this kind of constant bombardment? Rano told me …”
    â€œRano should keep her mouth shut,” Tej interrupted.
    â€œJust listen to me,” I said. “Rano told me the gist of what they were saying about Uncle Gurnam Singh the day he arrived. How the woman is too young for him. How shameless she is … things like that. I just want to know if that’s what they think of me.”
    â€œThat you’re too young for me? ” he asked facetiously.
    â€œOf course not,” I said, furious with him for not taking me seriously. “You know what I mean. Dilraj Kaur is continually suggesting I’m not quite pukka, not quite legitimately here. She’s forever bringing up this woman of Uncle’s in ways that bring out her similarities to me.”
    â€œLook here, what do you want me to do?”
    â€œI don’t know,” I said and began to cry. “It just seems like things will never get resolved, never get spelled out, we’ll never get to Ambala, get married, get settled …” I chanted.
    â€œWhy do you keep insisting on everything getting defined? Where’s the need? Sooner or later the District Commissioner will give us an appointment, we’ll be married, and everything will be okay. In the meantime …”
    â€œIn the meantime, I have to put up with all of Dilraj Kaur’s