Free The Ugly One by Leanne Statland Ellis Page A

were already rising to the beginning sounds of the drums. This was part of the celebration, that the women would dance without the men.
    Although it is true that I was changing, I couldn’t bring myself to dance with anything more than small, careful steps. Sumac clutched my shoulder, his claws digging in tightly so he wouldn’t fall off. To move too quickly might expose my scarred cheek to the people, and I wasn’t prepared to do that. But Chasca quickly abandoned herself to the now rapidly beating drums. Her feet flew in a quickening circle, her hair flowing in an arc behind her as she leaned her head back and reached to Mama Killa with open arms. I stopped dancing and watched, as many others did. My sister was beautiful and free and open. Mama Killa and her children, the stars, shone down on Chasca in gladness, kissing her pure, smooth skin as she laughed and twirled under their magical glow.
    I left the dancers quickly, although I hesitated at the edge of the fire circle to watch. The drums beat more loudly, with a pulsing intensity. Their insistent voices converged into the one pounding sound of
dance dance dance
. But I was the Ugly One, and the
aymaran
was not meant for me. Patting Sumac on the head, I turned and made my way back to the
wasi
alone.
    ***
    That night in my dreams, I again visited the heart of my
huaca
, my spirit rock. I stood inside the cave. The air was filled with the whispers and echoes of ancient spirits, and on the rock wall I could see a faint carving of my brother Hatun’s face. It was frozen in a moment of horror and fear.
    Two jaguar cubs snarled at each other in play as they frolicked on the dirt floor. I thought to join them and dropped to my hands and knees. Such fun they were having! I inched my way forward, hoping they wouldn’t stop their play before I could pounce on them in surprise.
    A large padded foot suddenly blocked my path. It was the mother jaguar. She studied me with yellow eyes and an open mouth. I wasn’t frightened of her sharp teeth, for I knew she wouldn’t hurt me. Her breath was hot and animal on my face, and a delicate rainbow snaked its way slowly from deep within her throat and out past her lips. I inhaled it into my own being and held it deep within my chest, where it tingled warm and magical. I didn’t want to release it, but my chest was burning for fresh air. I opened my mouth with a roar. The rainbow rushed toward the cubs in a swirl and wrapped them in its misty colors. They froze, one of them in midpounce, then dried up and quickly disappeared into the ground.
    â€œLook,” Mother Jaguar said.
    Crawling closer, I studied the spot where the cubs had been. Something creamy and delicate burst forth from the dark earth and began to grow. It was a tiny, perfect toadstool.
    â€œSoon,” Mother Jaguar said. With great tenderness, she scooped up the fragile toadstool in her mouth and was gone in one mighty leap.
    I awoke. The
wasi
was very dark, and I pulled my blanket tightly around my shoulders to keep out the cold air. I knew the dream was an important message, but now that I was awake, I could remember none of it. It was a gift, to have the spirits speak with me in such a manner. They honored me with their presence. To forget their message was a failure that further convinced me I was not the right and true apprentice to the shaman. I had listened, but still the voice of Beyond was silent to my straining ears. I had watched, but my eyes were blind to its sacred vision. My timid feet couldn’t even dance the
aymaran
.
    Lying there that night, I made a decision to follow what my heart told me was the sad but steady path. I would end my studies with the Paqo. I would tell him in the morning.

11
Inti
Sun Father
    E ARLY the next day, I went to my
huaca
. This was my favorite place to greet Inti each morning. As I sat there, the night’s cold seeping from the rock’s strong body through my thick woolen cloak, I had a