Free Dear Lupin... by Roger Charlie; Mortimer Mortimer; Mortimer Charlie Page B

represented Newmarket. He died of drink, thereby establishing a precedent followed by his wife and elder son. It is an expensive way of doing oneself in nowadays.
    Try and keep reasonably cheerful (I’m sure Mr Boyce used to say ‘Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem’ [‘Remember when life’s path is steep to keep your mind even’]). You may never have another opportunity to lie on your bed after breakfast and read ‘Playboy’ or ‘Whitehouse’. (Newton’s Law of Compensation again?)
    Your affec. father,
    RM
    I am finally due to leave hospital after eight weeks
.

1977
    Budds Farm
    30 March
    Dear Lupin,
    I am delighted to have you living here and enjoying the modest facilities and comforts that your mother and I provide. All are free BAR THE TELEPHONE. If my name was Onassis I would probably (though not certainly) permit you to have free calls but frankly I cannot afford that particular gesture. Moreover I am by nature unsympathetic to all telephone users. Our last two telephone bills have amounted to some £275. The one received today adds up to £117.38p. I think my share of that is about 10p. I hope I am not being grossly unfair (a little unfairness is always to be expected in matters of this sort) if I charge you £50 as your share of the last two bills. A lot of your calls are due to Unimog and presumably can be charged to your firm, assuming there is sufficient money in the kitty.
    Your affec. father,
    RM
    Convalescence at home has the odd hiccup, the phone bill being one of them. In a moment of insanity a friend buys 300 ex-Army Unimogs (four-wheel drive trucks) all stranded in a wood in Germany. He employs me as sidekick/salesman
.
    Budds Farm
    1 August
    Dear Miniwad,
    I hope you are well and keeping clear of the more tiresome sort of trouble. I gave little Miss Bossy Pants lunch at the Ladbroke Club and she ordered smoked salmon mousse, the most expensive thing on the card! Also she ordered tomato juice but kept on taking jumbo swigs at my martini. Afterwards Paul joined us and we went to Heywood Hill’s bookshop; then on to Major Surtees where he was in conference with some bibulous Dutchmen, one of whom lives next door to Paul’s factory in Holland so they got on pretty well. For some reason or other I got on the wrong train at Waterloo but luckily I quite like Bournemouth. Hot Hand Henry complained to Jane that I don’t like him. There is indeed substance in his complaint. In fact, I don’t like any of his family but Louise chose them, not me. Your dear mother is endeavouring to live on a purely liquid diet with unfortunate results. One evening she popped my dinner into her car and drove off with it, saying she was going to give it to the poor! I was a little surprised, therefore, to find she had dropped it at the Bomers. The next night with unerring aim she threw a fairly revolting plate of charred mincemeat over my chair. Stirring times indeed! We went to a big lunch at the Roper-Caldbecks yesterday. Your mother is mad about a short man called Lloyd-Webber whose wife has diabetes. Mrs Boxall has gone to live in Hannington. She is due to marry again soon but the child is likely to be born first. I believe the husband-to-be writes TV scripts (a polite expression, usually, for being unemployed and short of treacle). I went to Goodwood which is v. democratic these days. In the Richmond Stand I saw a stout lady remove her shoes in order to massage the huge expanse of her escort’s stomach. His response was minimal judging from the lady’s language which was very frank indeed.
    Your affec. father,
    RM
    Expect you back in the autumn.
    My mother is christened ‘Meals on Wheels in Reverse’ after she removes Dad’s dinner and delivers it in her car to our rather surprised neighbours
.
    Budds Farm
    Dear Charles,
    In the lavatories of my preparatory school someone had written up on the wall the time-honoured couplet:
    â€˜How