Free In an Adventure With Napoleon by Gideon Defoe, Richard Murkin Page A

joined in. It looks a lot like a fight.’
    ‘It’s a party. They’re exuberant creatures.’
    ‘Oh look, they’ve eaten the first goat now, Captain. There’s just a skeleton left.’
    ‘My point still stands,’ said the Captain, forgetting what his point had been.
    With a spray of rain and a gust of wind the cottage door swung open and in tramped two extremely dejected-looking pirates. After fighting for a few moments to close the door behind them, the pirate in green and the pirate with asthma stood shivering and looking like their world had ended. The pirate with asthma was crying.
    ‘What’s the matter, lads?’ asked the Pirate Captain, sensing something was wrong. He prided himself on his ability to pick up on the moods of his crew, no matter how subtle the clues.
    ‘Can you imagine a boring museum, Pirate Captain?’ sniffed the pirate in green, sitting down miserably.
    ‘It’s difficult,’ replied the Captain. All his experiences in museums had involved the exhibits being either cursed, mysterious or really educational. It seemed unlikely that any museum could be boring.
    ‘Well, there’s one right here on this island,’ said the pirate with asthma through his tears. ‘It wasn’t exciting, there weren’t any adventures and we didn’t learn anything. And you know how much we love learning!’ He sniffed noisily and blew his nose on his sleeve.
    The Pirate Captain nodded and handed him a tissue. He
did
know how much the crew loved learning. The pirate in green continued. ‘Most of the exhibits are justrubbish that you can find on the beach and the shop only sells leaflets and pens that don’t work.’ He showed the Pirate Captain a little pen with ‘The National Museum of Antiquities and Natural History, St Helena’ written down the side in wobbly handwriting.
    ‘But surely there was something worth seeing?’ said the Pirate Captain encouragingly. ‘It’s like I’ve just been explaining to the rest of the lads: try to concentrate on the positives.’ 18
    ‘There
is
one of Mister Napoleon’s handkerchiefs,’ said the pirate with asthma, brightening up a bit. ‘He was just donating it to the museum as we got there, which was very good of him. It’s on a plinth in a big jar of formaldehyde and there’s a label explaining that it was the actual handkerchief he had in his pocket at the victory of Arcola, where he joined his infantry in a bayonet charge. That was quite interesting, I suppose.’
    ‘Dear me. It
does
sound like a terrible museum,’ said the Pirate Captain. He paused to take a couple of thoughtful sips of his tea. ‘And, you know, as a responsible member of society I feel a certain obligation to help out.’
    ‘You’re noble like that,’ nodded the albino pirate.
    ‘I am. So, come on, lads, let’s have a look through the treasure for something good to donate.’
    Pretty soon the cottage was a mess of upended treasure chests, their contents strewn about the floor. Most of thetreasure turned out to be straw, but there were also some sweet wrappers and a few dead rats.
    ‘It’s not looking very promising, is it, Captain?’ said the pirate with a scarf, holding up an old, slightly petrified lamb chop.
    The Pirate Captain sat amongst the mess for a few moments, at a bit of a loss. Then he looked up at the pirate with long legs and a wily look crept across his face. Several of the pirates got quite excited, because ‘wily looks’ tended to prefigure ‘sticky situations’.
    ‘How much would you say you weighed?’ asked the Pirate Captain.

    Not long after, the Captain was knocking at the museum door, whilst two of his crew struggled with a heavy-looking bundle wrapped up in some sacking. There was the sound of running feet and eventually the Governor appeared, wearing a peaked cap with ‘Curator’ written across the band.
    ‘Pirate Captain! Hello!’ said the Governor. ‘Here to visit our national museum?’
    ‘I am, yes,’ said the Captain, beaming. ‘Always