Free In Too Deep by Samantha Hayes Page B

your story. It may not seem possible now, but learning how to ease that guilt is going to help you.’
    I didn’t think I could do that.
    ‘And holding on to those new feelings will open doors for you, show you a new direction. Guilt has a habit ofchasing after us, and I understand totally why you feel this way. When bad things happen, it’s human nature to find a cause, logical or not. And when you can’t find one, your mind can turn inwards, blaming yourself to help make sense of the situation. It’s actually quite clever, though wholly unhelpful in the long term.’
    But what if it
was
my fault?
I wanted to blurt out.
What if there’s stuff I can’t tell you, that I can’t tell
anyone
?
    ‘I’m always thinking there’s something I should have done differently,’ I said automatically. ‘Like, if I’d insisted Rick didn’t go to the shop, but rather made him stay home and help me get ready for our guests that evening. He wasn’t going to have time to read the paper anyway. Or I could have asked him to do the cleaning and dashed to the shop myself. Maybe I should have suggested he take the dog with him, and perhaps that would have changed things. There are so many alternatives.’
    Paula was nodding, her eyes big and dark and absorbent. Soaking up all my misery.
    ‘And if you’d done any of those things, you’re convinced he’d still be here, right?’
    I nodded.
    ‘You’re experiencing these thoughts, which are all completely natural, by the way, but they’re controlling how you feel simply because there’s nothing else for you to process.’ She paused, allowing me to take it in. ‘There’s a big vacuum where reasoning and cause should be. Think of it like a colouring book, and you’re holding the pens.No one knows where your husband is, and the police don’t have any clues. That’s immense, Gina.’ Another pause as she searched for the right words.
    ‘But believe it or not, you can be in control of your thoughts, and I will help you find a new way to process what’s happened to you. It will take time and some work, but I will be here with you, helping you.’ She paused and smiled warmly again. The perfect punctuation.
    ‘To begin with, one of our goals will be to reframe things so that you can recognise how you had no control over what happened, just as you have no control over what I choose to do this afternoon, or what happens to anyone else in the world.’
    It was then that she lost me and my mind wandered.
But you’re wrong
, I thought, as I stared at her, though not really hearing her. Her mouth moved, goldfish-style, as I drifted away. What would Paula Nicholls have said if she knew what had happened a week before Rick vanished? Or in the months preceding that? What would the police have said, for that matter?
    It was only when Rick and I had arrived home from the supermarket, each of us simmering and barely talking as we’d unloaded the grocery bags from the boot and lugged them into the house, that we’d realised Hannah was unexpectedly home. We’d seen her coat dumped on the stairs, along with her travel bag.
    Should
I tell Paula? I wondered. Would unloading on her make me feel better? I didn’t see how. What was done was done.
    Guilt and shame had already prevented me telling PC Lane about that morning when she’d questioned me for the thousandth time about mine and Rick’s relationship.
No wonder he left you
, I’d imagined her saying in an accusing tone, rolling her eyes, judging me. Though I’d also kept quiet because they’d probably have concluded that I’d done something terrible to him. Weighing it all up, I felt it was best left unsaid.
    But Paula was different. Something about her made me feel relaxed and at ease, made me start to consider that maybe what had happened to Rick wasn’t my fault.
    Was that something I could live with?
    ‘It’s just that . . .’
    The whole story sat precariously between my lips. One little spit and it would be out.
    ‘It’s