lot. Wow â¦â He pushes out a couple short breaths.
âYou okay?â I ask.
Elias lets out a little chuckle. âIâm okay.â
He swallows and his eyes find mine in the dimming lightâall soft and serious.
âWhat?â I ask.
âDo you â¦â He brushes the hair off my face but doesnât continue.
I tug my bangs back down.
âWill you do â¦â He clears his throat before glancing at the ground and then back up at me. âWill you do something with me tomorrow after rehearsal?â
Something about his tone starts a new kind of nervous fluttering in my stomach. I canât tell if itâs a good kind or a bad kind because my bodyâs so upside down right now.
âYeah. Of course. Yeah.â
He kisses the corner of my mouth. âOkay. Until tomorrow.â
I let my hands slide off his waist and then let them slide over his hips before they fall to my sides. Iâm not ready to let him go. To let his body go.
Things between us are shifting, and I want them shifted. Changed. Moved forward.
He opens my driverâs side door for me and waits until my truck starts before going to his. He always does thatâmakes sure that Iâm okay before he makes a move. Thatâs Elias. I still canât believe how lucky I am.
âWhoa, what?â Cecily shrieks over the phone.
I wince because I really do see the importance of being careful with my body and all that, but when Elias and I are together, it just doesnât seem as crucial as it does in Sunday school. And now that Iâm hours past from lying on the floor with him, guilt at how I felt is starting to squirm its way through me.
âItâs not that big a deal.â I lie back in bed, the phone pressed against my ear like Dad will somehow not hear my end of the conversation. There are seriously a bajillion things to worry about if youâre having sex with someone. Now that Iâm not in the situation from earlier, Iâm wondering why I wanted to do it so bad. Maybe I forgot how crappy I feel after I do something I know I shouldnât. So, obviously my beliefs play in, but I have a pretty strong practical side too, and ⦠Yes. Lots to worry about. Mechanics. Birth control. STDs. Getting caught â¦
âBut you guys almost ⦠you know.â
âNo! We didnât!â And then I remember that I shouldnât talk so loud. âWe werenât even under clothes,â I whisper. âNot much.â
She sighs. âI actually canât imagine what thatâs like because the thought of a guy touching my waist under my shirt is terrifying. What if I donât feel right or feel fat, and I canât ⦠just ⦠No.â
âI can ⦠now.â
âClara.â She giggles. âAnd here I thought Iâd for sure be the first one to go all the way, and now it looks like itâll be you.â
âNo.â I sigh. Because between what I believe I should and shouldnât be doing and the practicalities, I canât imagine actually going all the way. And then I think about Eliasâs fingers at the edge of my jeans and think maybe I can â¦
âMaay-be,â she sings. âWhat do you think he wants tomorrow?â
âI have no idea.â I tap my toes on the ceiling-wall again.
âWell. Iâm sure itâll be late here. Again,â she adds for emphasis because itâs like 1:00 a.m. there. âBut text me anyway, okay?â
âWill do. Promise.â
âOkay. Iâm going back to sleep, and now you need to try to get your beauty sleep so youâre ready for whatever that man of yours has planned.â
I swear I can feel her smirk over the phone in that hilarious, teasing way of hers.
âNight, Cee.â
9
Elias meets me onstage after school with that same odd smile as last night in the church parking lot.
âSo, where are you taking me?â I ask as I step