Free His Absolute Proposal: An Illicit Billionaire Love Story (Elise, #3) by Cerys du Lys Page B

wasn't my body or my hand, it was something deep inside my chest.  Not a quickening, not just a speeding pulse or a jumping heartbeat, but a terrifying shaking sensation that I couldn't actually feel but I knew that somehow it was real, that it existed.
    I felt like my heart was going to shatter at the intensity of this strange sensation, like my body couldn't control it, or perhaps my body was actively fighting against it, and...
    We walked.  Lucent held my hand.  I must seem calm to him, I thought.  I didn't feel outwardly nervous, but there was harsh anxiety pounding through my heart, to my veins, seeping and spreading throughout me.  My entire existence was... it hurt.  It ached, like a feverish chill, almost reminiscent of the flu.  I wasn't sick or sniffling, no coughing or congestion, but I felt like I might suddenly become cold and faint at any moment.
    We walked through the halls of Jessika's apartment building.  Everything seemed dull and lifeless to me.  There were colors and sounds, but they seemed far away and lost.  I was lost, I thought.  Where were we going?
    I knew.  Outside, of course.  That was the general direction.  That wasn't the answer I wanted, though.  I wanted more.
    When you leave highschool to attend college or university or whatever you plan on doing, it's exciting, but then, at least for me, a part of me wondered what I was doing?  Where am I going?  To college, yes.  I was entering into a degree program, to study books, to learn about writing.  I thought that sounded nice at the time, and I still thought it sounded nice now.  I loved books, I loved writing, I loved reading and stories and characters.  When I managed to get a job at the library near my college, I briefly considered working there forever.  It seemed safe, somewhat reassuring.
    I wanted to write, though.  I didn't realize it at first, and I didn't quite know when I'd come upon the idea as something I definitely wanted to do, but once I did, it stuck with me.
    Where was I going?  I was going to become a writer.  Attending college, working in the library, doing everything I ever did... it all led up to that.
    And now I was in a similar situation, except the uncertainty came back.  Worst of all, I didn't know how I could keep going in this direction.
    Where was I going now?  Where were Lucent and I heading?  What was Jessika doing?  She was showing us the way, leading us outside to a safe place where we could leave, where we could find out where we were going, except that wasn't entirely it.
    I didn't want to go anywhere.  I wanted to write.  How was I going to write?  Except I wanted to love, too.  How could I love and write and go and leave and... how?
    How?  I just... I wanted to cry.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to drop Lucent's hand, dash off, flee, huddle in a corner somewhere safe, crawl away, cry, hide.  I...
    "We should hurry," Lucent said.  Not to me, but to Jessika.
    I glanced over at her, startled and confused.  She looked so much stronger than anything I could ever be.  I didn't know how she could be so strong and self-assured.  She was, though.  She nodded firmly, standing tall and steady.
    "I know," she said.  "I'm sorry everything ended up like this.  I thought maybe it would be different.  I know it's foolish, but I thought maybe you and Elise could stay there.  With me, too.  And Asher could go to work, and come back at night, and it could just be the four of us.  I..."
    I let go of Lucent's hand and went to Jessika, wrapping my arms around her.  Lucent was strong in his own way, and he made me feel safe and comfortable most of the time, but I needed more right now.  I needed something else.  I... I didn't know exactly what I needed, but I wanted to hug Jessika, because I didn't want her to think I was scared, even if I was.
    "I'm sorry this happened to you, Jessika.  I wish we could stay," I said.  "I don't want to leave like this.  I'm sure everything will be