Free The Sound of Laughter by Peter Kay Page B

park.
    The assembly hall was packed with proud parents and dignitaries as they strolled round the room with plastic cups filled with fair trade coffee. Each group had been designated a table allowing them to display their designs and plans with pride. I noticed some of the groups had coloured charts and elaborate files filled with notes on technical data. We were huddled around a single piece of A4 with a sketch of the contraption in blue biro. I was so embarrassed, I wouldn't even let my mum come over for a chat.
    We drew the short straw and were last to go, which only added to the pressure. Each of us made several uneasy trips to the toilet. Fingers was in such a state of despair that he climbed out of the bog window and never came back.
    Red Rum and Co. rolled their wooden ball across the floor to rapturous applause. I thought that they should have been disqualified just for being smug.
    Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it was our turn. Mr India made his announcement:
    'Last but by no means least, would you please show your appreciation for "The Very Fast".'
    There was some sarcastic laughter at the mention of our name, but I was confident that would cease once they'd witnessed our endeavours.
    The room watched on in silence as we pushed each other forward as group leader. I swear if Mr India hadn't deliberately cleared his throat a fight would have broken out between us.
    Reluctantly I was pushed to the front and all I could hear was the sound of my Adidas Kick trainers squeaking as I walked to the centre of the hall. I took up my position, grabbed the pitiful contraption with my hands, and then with all of my might I threw it across the hall floor towards the finish line.
    Now, you're not going to believe this but we came second. I swear to God. We were totally shell-shocked when the judges announced their decision. I still can't believe it twenty years later. I just flung the contraption across the floor and we came second. I don't think the wheels even touched the ground and
the spring flew off halfway down the hall and caught a nun on the shin.
    Red Rum and Co. beat us with their smarmy wooden ball but we couldn't have cared less, The Very Fast had come second. And as if things couldn't get any better we were given a Double Decker each and a five-pound voucher for WH Smith's. Brilliant!

Chapter Five
Catholic Intercourse
    Some of my favourite memories of school are the occasional trips that we went on. Every year on the last Friday in May eight coaches would leave the convent packed with hyperactive children and head for Alton Towers. (In case you're unaware, Alton Towers is a successful theme park in the heart of the Staffordshire countryside that will hopefully now furnish myself and my family with a few free passes for giving them a mention.)
    The nuns sent us away on that particular day because traditionally it was the same day that the fifth-years left school and they liked to celebrate by throwing eggs and flour over each other in the front street. That's why the nuns thought it best to keep the rest of the school out of
the way. Damage limitation I think they call it now.
    I was always very excited and found it hard to sleep the night before the annual trip to Alton Towers. My head would be crammed with plans, such as which ride we should go on first and the curious expectation of what the new ride would be like. Because a new ride was unveiled every year, which usually meant some obligatory horror-story gossip regarding a friend of a friend's cousin's nephew's brother who'd had his head cut off while riding this new ride, but whatever the rumour it wasn't going to deter us from queuing for three hours and going on it eight times in a row.
    That was the only thing that bugged me about theme parks, the bloody queuing. On a bad day you'd spend most of your day queuing and would end up going on only a few of the rides. These days you can pay more and get one of those special 'fast track' passes that