Free Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise by Adam Spielman Page B

cruel?  What have I ever done but give them freedom and happiness?  By what rights do they accuse me?  I work so hard .”
    Her voice quivered.  Her hands shook.  There was rage as well as sadness.  Jim took two backward steps, for he was terrified of emotional women, and this one was the devil.  He looked to Cherry, but Cherry was blasted and far away.
    The devil walked at him.  Jim thought that he’d finally gone and done it and that paradise was over.  He thought he was about to feel some hell.  Instead, she buried her face in his neck and wept.
    “What am I going to do?” she said.  “What can I do, Jim?  The firmament is broken.  There will be war.  I hate the wars of men.  It’s the blood, I can’t stand it.”
    Jim held her close and said, “It’s okay.”  Because sometimes it worked with other girls.
    “I give and I give and I give and it’s never enough or maybe it’s too much I don’t know I just work so hard and now everybody’s going to hate me.  They’re going to hate me all over again and all I ever did was give them everything they ever wanted and they won’t stop they’ll hate and kill until it’s all gone everything I’ve worked for.”
    Jim stroked her hair and said, “Shhhhh.”
    Another tremor swam through the ground and the jagged light flared.
    Jim said, “Was it something I did?”
    Lucy pulled her face from his neck.  She set her eyes into his.  She was beautiful and timeless and bleary.  Her hand upon his cheek put warmth in his bones.
    “ Jim ,” she said.  “So reckless and innocent.  It was the nuke.  It ripped open the firmament.”
    “I’m sorry.”
    She kissed him.  He kissed her back.  It was a reflex.  When it was over Lucy laughed at his shock.  She wiped the mascara from her eyes.
    “I’m quite the devil, aren’t I?”
    “You’re a beautiful devil.”
    “And you’re very sweet.”
    “Did I really break paradise ?”
    “ Paradise is yours to break.”
    “Uhgghh,” Cherry said.  “ No more. ”
    The rebuke stabbed Lucy in the chest.  She staggered.  She took a breath.  Then she closed her eyes and opened different ones. 
    “The slut is right,” she said.  “I built these firmaments.  I can fix this.”
    Her transformation was swift.  There was a whoomf and Jim stood before a professional woman in white heels, skirt, and blazer.  And he saw that he was also professional, for his superfluities were draped in a suit and tie.  He made a question mark with his face.
    “You’re going to help me,” Lucy said.
    “I still don’t understand what’s broken.”
    “Your nuke made a crack in one of the firmaments.  And now all the zealots of all the denominations of Christianity can see each other.”
    This didn’t make enough sense to Jim.  He furrowed the question mark.
    “They needed to gloat, so I let them gloat,” Lucy said.  “They were all very special until about ten minutes ago.  They will not like this new equality.”
    Jim looked at his tie.  He flopped it around.  “I don’t know,” he said.  “I don’t think I’m cut out for this.  Can’t you just get Jesus to talk to them?”
    “He retired.”
    “What?!  Why?”
    “You’re about to find out.”
    Lucy checked her complexion in a pocket mirror.  Behind her the air shimmered and warbled and a hole came into the world.  “And Jim, they know me as Gabriella.  Say nothing about the devil.”
    “Okay,” Jim said.  “Wait.  Which are you?”
    Her smile was coy.  They went through the hole.
    3
    The cloud was furnished with a round table and some chairs.  In the chairs sat Martin Luther, Pope John XX, King Henry VIII, Saint Paul, and Joseph Smith.  Gabriella claimed the final chair and Jim stood a safe distance behind.
    “Thank you for coming,” Gabriella said.  Her white blazer glimmered.  “You are all aware of this by now, but I will say it plainly so there is no mistake.  Everybody goes to heaven, and heaven is uniformly