Free The Hermit by Shayne McClendon Page A

I was able to tell her there
was nothing… nothing to forgive.”  He heard her breathing, slow and
easy.  “It helped drain some of my anger.  A little bit of it.”
     
    He
asked her about her daily run.  “Janice bought me an MP3.  I used it for the
first time today.  I loaded it up with a bunch of rap and hard rock.  I ran
really well to that, better than running with only my thoughts in the
background.  I never used to listen to anything but country, a little bit of
pop.  Now that crap turns my stomach.”  Ryan could hear her breathing
accelerate through the phone and knew she was fighting back emotion.
     
    “Happy
endings are a crock .  There are no happy endings, just changes of
scene.  The fucking play goes on forever.”  She was quiet as she worked to pull
herself together, as she always did.  “Sometimes, I wonder why I didn’t just
have the courage to off myself while I was in that cage.  Why I didn’t do it
when I had the chance the day I escaped.  I had the knife.  I knew I would
never be the same.  I’d always be this damaged thing …”  Her voice was
too quiet, with a darkness he recognized often in himself. 
     
    Ryan
sat up in his chair, the phone gripped to his ear with white knuckles,
“Daphne.  Listen to me, I know you’re tired.  I know you’re hurting and don’t
know where you fit.  But I’m telling you right now, you didn’t survive hell to
quit now.  You are not a thing …you are a beautiful, strong woman who is
going to beat this.  You cannot quit now.  Please don’t give up, Daphne. 
Please.”
     
    He
waited through her silence, a vice around his heart.  “Ryan, would you
understand if I ended my life?  Be honest, as only you ever are…would
you hate me?”
     
    He let
the strength, the pain, of her words sink in as he thought carefully, his hand
over his eyes.  He wanted to lie to her.  He knew he couldn’t, “Oh,
Daphne.  I…I would understand.  I know the agony you’ve been through, that the
nightmares keep you up nights.  I know the rage you feel inside.  I don’t want
you to give up, not ever, but I could never hate you, sweetheart.” 
     
    Clearing
his throat, he swallowed around the lump.  “If you took your life, Daphne, I’m
not sure how I would handle it.  I think it would break something inside me to
know you weren’t out there in the world.”
     
    “I
just…I’m useless.  I have no purpose .  I hate people, I hate this town, and
I hate myself.  When I get startled or scared, it sickens me.  I hate being so
fucking weak.  I used to know who I was and now I don’t even feel human.” 
     
    She
was panting for breath, struggling – as she often did – to keep her composure. 
“I try to talk to the idiot therapist about it but she gives me cute little
sayings and pep talks.  I’d love to be hard core honest with her… lady, I
want to kill myself or someone else so how does that make you feel ?  But
I’d end up in a padded room for sure and I can never be confined again.  I
really would lose my mind.  There are people everywhere, Ryan.  When they brush
up against me on the sidewalk I could crawl right out of my skin.  Listening to
them, watching them, having to breathe the same air…I don’t know how much more
I can take.”
     
    “Daphne,
what can I do to help you?  I’ll do anything.”  Ryan was pacing the living
room, frantic with worry and too far away from the only person he’d been able
to connect to in decades.    
     
    “You’re
doing it right now, Ryan.  You’re listening to what I can’t tell anyone else. 
You aren’t judging me and you’re the only person since all this started who
will tell me the truth.  You never lie to me, even when I can tell you really want
to.  Everyone else is afraid the truth will send me spiraling into a full
psychotic break…when it’s the bullshit that’s going to accomplish
that.”  She took a deep breath, “Will you tell me your