Free Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss by Walter Knight, James Boedeker Page B

sporting chance, and I snagged a whale? ”
    “ No Granddad, tell me, tell me! ”
    “ Mind you, I don ’ t believe in catching more than I can eat, but that snarky whale was begging to get hooked, so I reeled him in right over yonder! ”
    “ Did you eat the whole whale? ”
    “ Of course not, ” answered Telk, not wanting to exaggerate. “ The whole island helped eat that whale. I made whale stew out of that beast, I surely did. Cooking a whale is hard work. First you have to cut the whale into bite-sized pieces. That takes about two months. Then you cover with gravy and cook over a kerosine fire for about four weeks at four-hundred-sixty-five degrees. Sprinkle in some porpoise seasoning, and you create unparallelled gastric delight. One whale feeds about four thousand people. ”
    “ Wow! ”
    “ It gets old after a while. ‘ Whale meat again? ’ everyone whines at dinner time. ”
    “ I ’ ve never eaten whale meat. Does it taste like chicken of the sea? ”
    “ I hooked your grandmother on this same beach, ” bragged Telk, not remembering what whale tasted like. “ She was even tougher to reel in than that damn whale, and fought longer, too. ”
    “ I don ’ t understand. You hooked grandmother like a fish? ”
    “ Like a mermaid, ” corrected Telk. “ Your grandmother was the most beautiful mermaid in the ocean. But after I introduced Yolanda to the three-hundred-ninety-six steps to sexual bliss, she never wanted to swim again. Her dad Neptune hated me for that. ”
    “ And then you got married? ”
    “ Yep, your grandmother was a keeper. It was love at first bite. ”
    “ Will you teach me to swim? ” asked Junior, excitedly. “ I want to swim with the fishes, and catch a mermaid for my own! ”
    “ Swimming is way overrated, ” cautioned Telk. “ Besides, there ’ s sharks out there. ”
    “ Please! I ’ m not afraid of no stinking sharks! ”
    “ Did I tell you about the time I caught this huge great white shark, so some Hollywood types could make that shark movie Jaws ? I used dynamite, the best fish bait there is. ”
     
    * * * * *
     
    Private Telk ’ s delusions were getting worse. Telk was lucky if he could tell reality from imagination. Telk snuck out of camp to focus, and to fish. However, as he sat by the canal with grenade in hand, he drifted off into yet another disabling daydream.
    Someone tapped Private Telk on the shoulder. Busted? Telk turned to face the music, expecting Sergeant Williams and his awful rebel yell. No such luck. Telk confronted Death, face to face. The Grim Reaper grinned his evil toothy grin, bringing the blade of his razor sharp scythe to bear under Telk ’ s chin. Telk sighed, looking away.
    “ What? You are not afraid of me? Not scared to death? Ha, ha. Get it boy? How come you are not laughing? ”
    “ You ’ re not real, ” answered Telk. “ I ’ m having nightmares in my daydreams. ”
    “ I am real enough, legionnaire. Look closely, I am your future. ”
    “ Leave me alone! You don ’ t think I don ’ t know I ’ m going crazy ? The shrinks say I ’ m delusional. You ’ re just a delusion. ”
    “ Wishful thinking, puny human! ” the Grim Reaper taunted. Laughing maniacally, he cut Telk across the chest with a swipe of his scythe. “ You think Hell is a delusion? You ’ ll be going to Hell soon. ”
    “ I ’ m bleeding! ” exclaimed Telk, clutching his wound. “ You punk! ”
    “ Sticks and stones. ”
    “ You have the whole galaxy to pick on. Why are you messing with me? What do you want? ”
    “ I ’ m taking your wife, too, ” taunted the Grim Reaper.
    “ No! ” shouted Telk, pulling the pin on the grenade and tossing it at the Grim Reaper. Thanatos disappeared in the dust of the explosion.
     
    * * * * *
     
    The explosion woke the camp, bringing legionnaires. Sergeant Williams found Telk lying in the dirt , bleeding. Dead fish floated in the canal. Williams detailed privates Krueger and Knight to get the