Free Indigo Blue by Cathy Cassidy Page B

her back in the brown armchair, facing the fire.
    ‘Come on, Anna, love, you know he’s not worth it,’ she says softly, and then Mum’s sobbing, howling, drawing in big gulps of air. Misti looks up, stricken, and starts to cry too. My hands are shaking, and my mouth feels like sawdust.
    ‘Early bedtime?’ Jane suggests, holding Mum as her body shakes and shudders. ‘Pizza in bed?’
    ‘Hear that, Misti? Midnight feasts!’ I pick her up and troop across to the bathroom, hushing and stroking her, telling her things are fine.
    My acting skills just get better and better.
    I wash her tomato-smeared face and change her nappy, and we shuffle through to the bedroom, then huddle up together in bed. I read her Cinderella from the big book of fairy tales, feeding her bites of pizza and cuddling her till she falls asleep.
    Who’s going to do that for me?
    When I’m sure Misti won’t wake, I slip out of bed and creep to the bedroom door.
    Mum and Jane are curled up in the twin brown armchairs, nursing coffees in the pool of blue light from the lamp.
    ‘Do you think that ringing him was a good idea?’ Jane is saying quietly.
    ‘Yes,’ Mum says. ‘I had to, didn’t I, to warn him off? We can’t make a fresh start with Max hanging around the whole time, trying to follow us, trying to find out where we live. I had to tell him to back off.’
    ‘And did you?’
    ‘Sort of,’ Mum stares down into her coffee cup. ‘Look, Jane, it’s not like you think. He’s a good man, really – why d’you think I stayed with him so long?’
    Jane shakes her head.
    ‘He wants to change, he wants to work it out,’ Mum rushes on. ‘And he misses the kids – he’s Misti’s dad, after all. I just don’t know if I can trust him. Oh, Jane, he’s got me so mixed up – I don’t know what I want any more.’
    ‘To be safe? To be happy?’ Jane suggests.
    Mum slumps forward, her head in her hands. ‘But it’s so hard,’ she says in a tiny, shaky voice. ‘It’s so hard to do it all alone.’
    Later, when Jane tiptoes into the bedroom to check on Misti and me, I close my eyes and steady my breathing and pretend I’m asleep. It’s only after Jane’s left, after I hear the outside door click shut and the sound of her car on the gravel drive, when I know she’s gone back to her husband and her smart flat on the posh side of town, that I let the tears come.

Dear Gran,
    Mum said she would ring you last week to tell you all about the move, but I’m wondering if maybe she forgot, because we haven’t heard from you and Mum is kind of forgetful just now. Anyway, in case she did forget, our new address is 33 Hartington Drive and it’s a bit of a dump but we’ve got it sorted pretty much.
    Maybe you could come down and stay with us sometime? That would be great.
    I miss you, Gran. I reckon Misti does too.
    Well, I suppose I’m really writing to tell you my news. Guess what? I got the lead role in the school play! It’s Oliver!, so I get to wear raggedy trousers and hide all my hair in a big tweed cap. I also get to sing a solo, which is very scary but Miss McDougall says we’re not allowed to be scared, we have a show to put on, and we have to get on with it. So I suppose I will.
    I had to audition for the play, and me and another girl called Aisha got the top part. We have to share it – she plays it one night. I play it the next. I was so proud on Friday when I heard, but my best friend. Jo (remember her?), didn’t get a part so I couldn’t really get excited about it or anything. It wouldn’t have been fair on her, would it?
    So I ran home to tell Mum and Misti, but guess what, I was unlucky again, because Mum was in bed with flu. I told Misti and we danced around and had a laugh, but when I told Mum she didn’t really understand, or maybe she didn’t hear, I don’t know.
    So that’s another reason why I’m writing, because Mum’s not well, and Jane says she’s emotionally exhausted and very stressed and time is