Free F My Life by Maxime Valette

told that my mom and her new husband have named my newborn baby brother “Titan.” FML
    Today I went to a club, and my friends and I went up on the stage. A security guard told me to get down, saying that the stage was only for girls. I’m twenty-three, and I’m a girl. FML
    Today I was carrying my mug of hot chocolate. When I got to the living room, my sleeve got caught on the door handle. FML
    Today I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk two miles in subzero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML
    Today it’s my birthday, but I had to go to work. I caught the train and was forced to sit next to this weird, smelly guy, who got off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumped on, so I scooted over to let her have enough room to sit down. Upon exiting the train, I noticed that my pants were wet with the guy’s piss. FML
    Today a girl was coming on to me and buying me drinks during a concert. At the end of the evening, she gave me her number so that we could go out. Because of the booze, I forgot it. FML
    Today I danced with a girl until the bar closed. We went back to my place. She had a penis. FML
    Today I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and carelessly dropping them on the ground. I took a big handful of popcorn from the bucket on the floor and got a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML
    Today I decided to lighten my hair color. I applied the dye and waited twenty minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn’t turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. There was a water main break and the water was off for the entire city block. FML

    Today a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy came up and asked for his ball back. It was Sunday, and the school was closed. FML
    Today I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway, only to find out that the train had been standing by for ten minutes. I rode to work with a train full of people who had watched me fall. FML
    Today I was on a date with a pretty girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but elbowed her in the face instead. FML
    Today I fell from the top of the stairs, caught myself in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more, tripped, and fell down the rest. FML
    Today I left work and, because of the nice weather, decided to walk home across town. Only when I entered my apartment did I notice that the bottom of my miniskirt was tucked into my underwear. FML
    Today I was standing on a desk at work changing a light-bulb, since we had no ladder. My phone rang, so I rushed to answer it, tripped, and smashed my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me that he was bringing a ladder. FML
    Today I was visiting my grandmother, and I overheard her having phone sex. FML
    Today I was looking after my parents’ house and their dog, and I fell asleep on the couch. The dog proceeded to climb onto my shoulders and rest behind my head like a doggie pillow. She farted right in my left ear. FML
    Today I left with my boyfriend and his family on a trip to the tropics. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I’d forgotten about the no-liquids rule. His whole family watched them take out bottles of lube, Vagisil, and Nair. FML
    Today I farted in my cubicle, thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML
    Today I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings, and high heels. He says it helps him to relax. FML
    Today I was having sex with a guy I had just met. I thought he was about to have an orgasm, but he was having an asthma attack. FML
    Today I was walking in the snow and saw a kid slip and fall. I laughed