Free Unprotected by Kristin Lee Johnson Page A

funeral home she wanted.
    “What other instructions did she leave?” Amanda heard herself ask.
    Everyone turned to Amanda, apparently surprised to hear her speak. The nurse looked down at the sheet of spiral notebook paper clipped to her chart. “She wants to wear a Harley Davidson t-shirt when she’s cremated. She wants you to keep her ashes and spread them in the ocean or river, or someplace that’s close to you wherever you make your home someday. She wants a little ceremony in the chapel outside the hospital. She wants it to be short.” The nurse, another stranger, looked up at Amanda. “Do you want a copy of her instructions?” she asked blandly.
    Amanda nodded. The nurse went behind the nurses’ station and made a copy, considered both pages for a moment, and then gave Amanda the original. Last Will it said on the top in all capital letters in her mother’s printing. Amanda folded it again and put it in her jeans pocket.
    Trix came out of the room carrying a medium-sized box, with her book bag over her shoulder. Michael took the box and carried it, and Amanda realized Jake’s arm was around her. They walked silently out of the hospital. She got in the backseat of Michael’s car, and Jake took her keys and drove Amanda’s car back. They drove home without a word. Michael pulled into the driveway and let everyone out before he pulled the car into the garage.
    It was after midnight. Trix tried to offer everyone a snack, but no one was hungry. Everyone just went his or her direction to get ready for bed. Amanda was in her bathroom brushing her teeth with the door open a crack. Trix knocked softly.
    “I know you’re not ready to talk, sweetheart, but is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?” Amanda shook her head, but allowed Trix to hug her tightly for several minutes. Even Michael stopped in the hallway, put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze.
    Amanda crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling. She looked at the bozo next to her bed that still held the sign welcoming her to the Mann’s home. She had a few more personal things in the room, but otherwise it was bare. She waited for sleep to come, exhausted.
    She hadn’t lain in bed long when she heard another knock. Jake came in and knelt on the floor by her bed. She turned on her side to look at him.
    “I’m sorry, Amanda,” he whispered. His eyes were wet. Hearing his apology and seeing his sadness broke something inside of her, and she was unable to keep her grief away any longer. Nearly a decade of tears forced their way out, and she curled into a ball and sobbed. Jake crawled into bed with her and held her while her body quaked. His chest became warm and wet with her tears. He rubbed his cheek against her face, and gradually the sobs dwindled to quiet, endless streams of tears. He held her face with his hands and kissed her eyelids gently, trying to make the tears stop.
    Without thinking it through and before he could stop himself, he kissed her again. Her face still wet with tears, he kissed her mouth and cheeks and nose and forehead. She drew her breath in sharply, shocked by his kiss and the intense flood of emotion that came with it. She felt a stabbing in her chest that pulsed down to her toes. She wrapped her arms around him and dug her fingernails into his back. He arched and groaned. He reached down and pulled her t-shirt off with one motion before she could react. Their skin was pressed together, their hearts thudding, their breathing shallow and fast.
    Neither knew it for sure about the other, but it was the first time for both of them. He held her hand, his thumb brushing over where she had cut into her skin with her nails.
    “Are you okay?” Jake whispered, his breath hot in her ear.
    She nodded, willing him not to stop.
    They moved together, the intensity so overwhelming for Amanda that she could barely breathe. They were together like this for several minutes, while he kept wiping and kissing her tears