Free The Varnished Untruth by Pamela Stephenson Page B

but this thing John Gilpin had was enormous, oval and immobile. ‘What exactly is that?’ I wondered. I had no idea.
    We travelled home from England on a different ship, the SS
Canberra
, a brand new liner that was the queen of the P&O fleet at that time. What is it about ships and me? I would live on a small boat if I could. My passion for the sea must have started with those liners. Although I’m not crazy about cruise ships now, back then the
Canberra
seemed incredibly romantic and endlessly exciting. A complete contrast to my Sydney life. This time, instead of travelling overland in Egypt we stayed on board and sailed through the Suez Canal. I played ping-pong on deck the entire way, keeping half an eye out for a Bedouin skirmish or a hint of an
Arabian Nights
-type of scene. Sinbad the sailor, perhaps? But no, because there was little to see but sandy banks with the occasional palm tree or camel. I had become used to the roll of the ocean, the stench of over-taxed air-conditioning units, the creak, creak of the thick, oily lines that held the ship to the dock. It seemed strangely like home. But as much as I enjoyed that return sea voyage, it was accompanied by a sense of foreboding. I felt my hope and energy draining away as I faced the rest of my childhood in Thompson Street. I had absolutely loved that entire year in London and sobbed my heart out when I had to leave. Not only had Auntie Sally been with us the whole time, with her endless comfort and kindness, but I sensed that, for the rest of my school days, I would never find people who truly understood me. I was right.
    Progress Notes – Dr P. Connolly
    A good therapeutic alliance has been formed. Patient displayed unusually early regression and expression of trust. Acute vulnerability. Infantile trauma? Perhaps pre-verbal? Father appeared to be physically threatening. Revisit. One of the first significant traumatic events appears to have been serious illness, but patient seems consciously unaware of full psychological impact. Eating disorder? Binge/purge cycle? Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Assess. Maternal body-image issues appear to have been transferred to daughter. Explore. Mother disapproved of prankster personality in father – so becoming comedian may represent a rebellious stance against mother and desire to join with father? Patient is quite insightful in spurts, but entirely lacks self-awareness in other areas. Interesting blind spots. Obsessive-compulsive nature, especially expressed as anxiety-based ticks and compulsion to repeat prayers. Sister escaped parental control, why not patient?
    Patient is heavily invested in pleasing everyone. Compulsive caretaker? May not be able to accept that being all things to all people is impossible.
    The patient is extremely angry at parents, but feels shameful about this and has perfected a controlled exterior to hide it. Has been unable to reconcile parental expectations with sense of safety or self-efficacy. Some narcissistic rage remains. The therapy will get rocky. Anxious depression (moderate to severe) seems present. Over-focus on self-improvement may be a means of assuaging deep anxiety, while repeated elective surgical interventions may be tantamount to self-harming gestures. Inquire about self-harm, cutting? Deep sense of unworthiness, self-loathing. Acute mortality-awareness.
    A good start.

Chapter Three
     
    S INK , S WIM , S LUNG O UT
     
    We have not been in session for a while . . . Where have you been?
    Back in Australia . . .
    What’s it like for you to be back there?
    I love it. Australia is a fantastic, diverse country and Sydney – well, as a city it’s hard to beat, but for me there’s always something deeply upsetting about it, too. I think it’s the harbour that does it. Pitches me into a deeper brooding. It’s murky in there – in my mind, I mean, not the harbour, although the part of Sydney’s waterway by Circular Quay is definitely not a place to take a dip. Much as I like scuba