Free Sabrina's Surrender (A New Journey) by Laura Westor Page B

her and felt violated by the intrusion. Why did she make my dream go away?
     I never did see Steven again as his family moved out of state. But, I had variations of this fantasy over the years. The man was always instructing me about something and older. He'd have knowledge and I'd look up to him. I would be very shy, but also naughty by trying to distract him with a view of part of my breast or the outline of my butt in a short and tight skirt. I didn't know if I was innocent or a slut and I had no one to ask that question to.
    I wasn't sure why this came back into my consciousness now. Was it a reaction to thinking about Mrs. Stone's fate? Could I feel again? Would I be able to keep the sizzle with a man? Maybe this was a sign that I was thawing out and I wouldn't be condemned to the life that I saw ahead of me.
     
     

Chapter 2    Reflections
    Why do I feel like such a failure about my divorce? We just weren't compatible. Did I sell my soul to have a reliable man who could earn a living? None of the surrender fantasies I had were ever played out in our intimate couplings. Joey was not someone that I could elevate and be overwhelmed by sexually. He was really my security blanket. There wasn't a strong masculinity about him and he was good at his computer business, but didn't have the depth I was seeking.
     Maybe it is really guilt and not failure. I didn't suggest marriage counseling when things were falling apart. I just allowed us to continue to keep drifting. Joey looked up to me for my intellectual abilities.  Maybe the lack of reciprocal respect was what was missing. With Professor Raskin, I knew I could really give myself fully.  Is that the classical father figure syndrome? Joey was good with computers, but I just didn't feel I could ever melt into him.
    But, I'd be nervous to be with a man like Professor Raskin. Even if he was single. I crave to be vulnerable with a man, but fear it too. He would feel my pulse. He would know that he has control despite my facade of inner strength at managing each day. I don't want a man to feel my trembling, my cravings and my sense of powerlessness. But without that, could I really live? Will I always keep living the lie and appear to be the person who is confident about herself? I was sick of fooling people with this. I wanted a man to take me and take me hard.
    I went jogging to clear my head and was surprised to see that so many of the leaves were orange and brown. Wow, I really had gotten lost this autumn and lost my sense of time. It was November and it seems I missed the last few months of seasonal changes. I had mechanically bought the Halloween candy, but was living with a membrane. I was thinking about whether I should return to college in January part-time. Though my undergraduate degree was completed and my teaching job fairly secure, I was thinking of getting my master's degree in literature. This would enable me to teach at a community college or online. I could start with one class in the winter semester and then expand. I felt a wave of hope, but also some concerns because the other students would be younger than me a bit. But, there was a sense of something new emerging and I liked that.
    I was jogging in a country road in the town of Setauket on Long Island in Suffolk County. I lived in Port Washington which was nearby. It's very close to the state university where excellent classes are offered. It was good feeling the energy of students also running in the neighborhood. The routine of work and my divorce reflections has pulled me down lately.   I only ran for thirty minutes and then stopped to stretch. I did a few yoga sun salutations which gave me a sense of gratitude. It is an awesome sequence as the spine gets to complete forward, backward and side stretches. I felt that my attitude shifted when I jogged and stretched. Maybe this year will let me take a new leap. Taking a course could also be a way to get out of my social isolation. But, I never did