Free Unravel by Imogen Howson Page A

to help her. I mean, no, she didn’t really ask, she put her hand out—I knew what she needed me to do.”
    She stopped, turned the cup around and around, screwing it into the sand. “I said no. I couldn’t . I know they were attacking us, and I know it was pretty much self-defense, but I—I just . . .”
    â€œIt’s okay,” came Cadan’s voice above her bent head. “It’s not a little thing, to kill someone, even if it is self-defense.”
    She hadn’t known if he’d understand. Tears burned in her eyes and she blinked them away. “So I couldn’t. I said no. I said sorry. And she”—all at once, it was as if a huge fist closed on her insides, making her belly burn and tighten—“she said she was sorry too. And then she grabbed me, she wouldn’t let me go. She forced the link, and then she used me to help her explode the second ship.” Within her, everything cramped, the huge fist clenching tight. “I felt it happen. I felt what she was feeling—the triumph. And now—”
    She rose to her knees, shaking all over, her voice cracking. “Now it’s in my freaking memory! Now I know what it’s like to kill someone! Even though I wasn’t the one who intended it, I wasn’t the one who did it. I don’t want that memory in my head!”
    â€œNo,” said Cadan, a single syllable, very calm.
    Now that the words had come, they wouldn’t stop. Elissaknelt in front of him, still shaking, words falling over one another and tangling together, gesturing with wide jerky movements, punctuation to words that by themselves would never be enough to convey what she needed him to understand.
    â€œIt’s not like she doesn’t know! I said, way back, I’m not okay with killing people. I get, I get how if it’s self-defense, that sometimes someone might have to do it. But I said no . I told her I couldn’t. It wasn’t like she panicked and didn’t realize—it wasn’t like how she used to reach out to me when she was in tons of pain and she was too desperate to know what she was doing. I said no . I said no, and she knew I was saying it, she knew . She said sorry and then she did it anyway !”
    She threw her hands out, fury pouring through every nerve, so fiercely that it felt as if her fingers would throw sparks as she moved. “That’s not sorry! It’s not sorry if you do it anyway ! It doesn’t freaking count !”
    â€œI know.”
    â€œAnd what if she does it again? If I can’t trust her, if she—” She broke off. She dropped her hands to her lap, fingers winding tight around one another. “I don’t want to be scared of her, Cadan. I was, to begin with, but I haven’t been for ages. I got so I was sure I could trust her—I knew she wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. But this time . . . she did hurt me. On purpose. And I . . .” This time her voice trailed off before she got herself together and carried on.
    â€œI went through everything to keep her as my sister. When I thought she was going to die, when she was going to put the Phoenix into hyperspeed by herself—I knew what it would be like to lose her, I knew if she died it would . . . like, leave me hollow. I knew I wouldn’t be a whole person ever again.But, oh God, if this is the sort of thing she’s going to do . . . how can I live with it?”
    She ran out of words, finally, and as if it had been just their energy holding her up, she felt herself fold, her head dropping so her ponytail flopped forward, brushing past the side of her face to hang into her lap.
    Cadan didn’t speak.
    After a minute Elissa slanted a look up at him. “Say something helpful.”
    A smile touched his mouth. “Lis . . . God, like I have a clue how to manage this kind of thing? She . . . Lin