Free Godless by Pete Hautman Page B

“Don’t spill it this time.”
    â€œI’ll try not to.” I take a sip. “Well blended!”
    â€œI’m a professional.” She is looking right at me and smiling. I feel all foamy inside, and I don’t think it’s the Brainblaster.
    â€œYou still want to climb the tower?” I ask.
    She nods, making her eyes big.
    â€œWe’re thinking Tuesday night.”
    â€œWill Henry be there?”
    â€œUm … I think so.”
    â€œGood, that sounds like fun.”
    â€œGood? I thought you didn’t like Henry.”
    â€œI just think he’s kind of scary.”
    â€œOh.”
    â€œBut
interesting
.”
    I slurp my Brainblaster. Uh-oh. Too much. The pain hits me high on my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut.
Ow, ow, ow!
    â€œYou okay?”
    â€œBrain freeze,” I gasp, my eyes watering.
    I hear Magda’s laugh and the pain slowly fades.

 
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    B UT FEW H UMANS HEARD THE WORDS OF THE O CEAN—TO MOST IT WAS NOTHING MORE THAN THE CRASHING OF DISTANT WAVES, THE MURMUR OF A SLOW CREEK, THE MUTED STATIC OF RAINDROPS FALLING UPON WET EARTH . O NLY A FEW, KEEN OF EAR AND PURE OF SOUL, HEARD THE WORDS OF THE O CEAN .
----

15
 
    You don’t believe any of this, do you? Do you really think that I think the St. Andrew Valley water tower is the all-powerful, all-seeing ruler of all-that-is? Let me ask you something. Do you think every single person sitting in, say, your local church (or temple or mosque or coven or whatever the hell it is your parents drag you to) believes everything they hear? What about the guy who goes to church on Sunday but cheats on his taxes. That’s a sin, right? If he truly believed in God, would he sin?
    But that doesn’t mean the tax cheat isn’t religious. Religious is a whole different kettle of fish, as my grandmother would say.
I’m
religious. And I’m
serious
. Serious as a heart attack (Grandma again). Chutengodianism is important to me. But that doesn’t mean I think that a big steel tank propped up on a few I-beams is omnipotent. I might be a religious zealot, but I’m not crazy.
    So, you ask, how can Jason Bock be serious about a religion that worships a false god?
    Are you kidding?
    You ever watch a football game and get totally into it?
Why?
It’s not a
real
battle. It’s just a game somebody made up. So how can you take it seriously? Or, you ever see a movie that made your heart about jump out of your chest? Or one that made you cry?
Why?
It wasn’t real. You ever look at a photo of food that made your mouth water?
Why?
You can’t eat the picture.
    Ah, you say, but the food that the picture shows
is
real. Is it really? Maybe that tasty-looking apple is made of wax. Maybe that loaf of bread is plastic. Maybe the football game is fixed. Maybe the movie is nothing but computer-generated pixels. So it’s not as if the picture shows you reality. What you see is somebody’s
idea
of reality.
    Same thing with water towers and God. I don’t have to be a believer to be serious about my religion.
    Like any serious Kahuna, I want a well-organized and contented congregation, so I call an official meeting for noon on Tuesday the Sabbath. And like a lying politician, I tell everybody something different to get them there.
    Dan is easy. I just tell him it’s an official meeting: Be there. Dan was brought up to respect authority figures. I tell Magda that we are planning an ascent of the tower,and I promise to buy Henry a Magnum Brainblaster. As for Shin, all I have to do is tell him that the Ten-legged One has ordered us to gather.
    I do not expect things to go all that smoothly. Dan and Shin don’t yet know that Henry Stagg is our High Priest. I’m not too worried about Dan, but Shin might freak out when he hears. I decide to treat Henry’s induction into the church as a done deal, which it is, and not open it to discussion.
    It’s a brutally hot day;