Free Impossibly Tongue-Tied by Josie Brown Page B

him…aching for him—
    SAM: ( Somewhat desperately ) No! I mean—what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to take his calls. Ever.
    O: ( Sighing ) Sam, darling, you really don’t have to be jealous. From what Wilbur tells me, there’s enough of him to go around for the both of us—
    SAM: You think that I—that I…? Listen, babe , you’ve got it all wrong! Hugo—I mean Wilbur and I aren’t lovers . We’re buds! And that’s all . Just two guys who love the ladies.
    O: I get it, Sam. So, what you’re telling me is that you want me all to yourself. Right?
    SAM: Uh… me? Why would I…No, sorry, hon, I like my women in the flesh.
    O: Ohhhh …Fleshy women, huh?
    SAM: Heck, no, I’m not talking about looks . If you must know, I prefer women that actually have something to say. Looks—particularly in this town—are a dime a dozen.
    O: ( Laughing heartily ) Or as John Donne put it, “Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.”
    SAM: That’s…truly moving. I would never have suspected that—well, you know—
    O: What, that I’d have heard of John Donne?
    SAM: Well, not that you’d heard of him, per se, but that you’d be quoting him…you know, here …But—but that’s beside the point! Look, O, obviously I haven’t made myself clear. I’m really not calling to talk about me…Or you, for that matter, but Wilbur. Specifically, I need you to…to leave Wilbur alone.
    O: Sam, you’re right. There is certainly something being lost in translation here. Like why you should even care about my relationship with Wilbur in the first place.
    SAM: ( Now it is his turn to laugh…derisively ) Jeez, I wouldn’t think you could call what the two of you share a “relationship” exactly. He’s just playing out some sick fantasy. Heck, you two could meet face to face, and that might kill it then and there, right? In fact, here’s a quote for you , O: “Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.” John Barrymore. And that dude knew a thing or two about beautiful women.
    O: ( In a sultry murmur ) Touché, Sam, touché. Now, are you sure you’re not talking about yourself there?
    SAM: What do you mean?
    O: Well, maybe it’s you who’s attracted only to a woman’s looks, because it’s certainly not Wilbur. I’m proof of that, right? I mean, Wilbur—just like you, ’cause you’re such a player and all—is surrounded by beautiful women all daylong…And yet, each night, he calls me …whom he’s never seen, never even plans on meeting…just for the witty repartee, or whatever . Go figure. You know, Sam, if you were to ask me, I’d say that Wilbur’s thoughts on that subject run akin to Baudeliere’s: “There are as many kinds of beauty as there are habitual ways of seeking happiness.” Don’t you agree?
    SAM: ( After a moment of thoughtful silence ) Touché to you, O…So where does that leave us? How do I keep you from taking his calls?
    O: Last I looked, Sam, it’s still a free country. As long as Wilbur hasn’t lost my number, he can call it at any time, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
    SAM: I’ll make a deal with you: I’ll pay you not to take his call. How’s that?
    O: ( Laughing incredulously ) Oh yeah?…And how will you do that ?
    SAM: Anyway you’d like it. If you want, I’ll pay you in cash. In fact, go ahead and double your rate. I’ll even put you on a retainer, whatever.
    O: ( After a moment ) I think you’ve got it all wrong.
    SAM: Whattaya mean? I said you can name your price! Hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer that will be withdrawn at the end of this call, so, if I were you, I’d jump at it.
    O: No, lover, you’re not hearing me: I