Free Don't Call Me Ishmael by Michael Gerard Bauer Page B

across his face before settling like a giant bullet hole over the left lens of his glasses.
    Nobody moved or said a word.
    If it wasn’t for the unearthly eardrum-shredding shriek that came from Miss Tarango, we might have stayed frozen like that forever.

17.
THE EXCREMENT HAS HIT THE FAN
    Most people assume that Miss Tarango’s unearthly eardrum–shredding shriek was produced in response to the last of the stick insects mistaking her neat, blond hair for a landing pad. Personally, I think the sight of Bill Kingsley with his shirt off might have been the real cause. In any case, it brought people running from all directions, and leading the cavalry charge, as always, was Mr Barker.
    â€˜Sweet mother of god, it’s the plague of locusts!’ he gasped in horror as he surveyed the classroom. It was quite a sight. Grasshoppers and spiders decorated the walls and ceiling and every so often startled cockroaches made erratic dashes across the floor. Meanwhile the stick insect that Miss Tarango had repelled with a mad flurry of hands before she fled down the corridor was now climbing shakily up the edge of the blackboard, while the one that had tangled with the fan was lying like a wrecked umbrella on the ledge.
    Mr Barker glared at the class. He ground out his words likea Mack truck in low gear. ‘I’m only going to say this once, so listen very carefully. You will have
one
chance and
one
chance only. I want whoever is responsible for this to … MY GOD, SCOBIE! GET THAT TARANTULA OFF YOUR FACE !’
    James Scobie looked at Mr Barker and then crossed his eyes as he tried to examine the spider spanning his glasses. ‘Actually, sir, I think you’ll find it’s not a tarantula but a very fine specimen of a Mexican bird-eating spider. They’re quite harmless, really.’
    â€˜Scobie, I don’t care if it’s the spider equivalent of Mother Teresa. Just get that horrible hairy insect off your face!’
    Scobie gently lifted off his glasses and placed them, with spider intact, delicately on his desk. ‘Technically, sir, it’s not an insect, although many people make that same mistake. You see, insects’ bodies are clearly divided into three parts or segments and insects usually have two pairs of wings and three pairs of …’
    â€˜Scobie!’ Mr Barker’s voice rang out like a warning shot. ‘If you say one more word, one–more–word,
you
will become an insect. Because if you
say
one more word, I will come down there and with my bare hands I will clearly divide
you
into three parts or segments and then before you know it, you will be flying, insect-like, out that door and down to my office. And guess what? You won’t need two pairs of wings, Mr Scobie. Oh no. Because all the
thrust
you will need will come from my boot on your backside. Do I make myself clear, Mr Scobie?’
    Scobie blinked his small glassy eyes and nodded.
    â€˜Right, now who knows where these insects came from?’
    James Scobie raised his hand.
    â€˜Scobie, if you are about to tell me that that spider on your desk came from Mexico, I would recommend very seriously that you reconsider.’
    â€˜No, sir, I was going to say that all the insects, and the
spiders
,’ Scobie added quickly, ‘came from my desk.’
    â€˜From
your
desk, Mr Scobie?’
    â€˜Yes, sir.’
    â€˜Do they belong to you, Mr Scobie?’
    â€˜No, sir.’
    â€˜So are you telling me that you didn’t put them in your desk, Mr Scobie?’
    â€˜Yes, sir.’
    â€˜Well, in that case, Mr Scobie, do you have a theory on how the insects … and
spiders …
came to be in your desk?’
    â€˜No, sir. That remains a mystery to me.’
    â€˜A mystery, Mr Scobie? Well, let me see if I can help you solve it.’
    Mr Barker rubbed his chin and paced slowly back and forth in front of the class, turning sharply towards James Scobie whenever a new