Free Diary of a Chav by Grace Dent Page A

but Carrie says she knows he will as it is DESTINY.
    I went to bed on Sunday night and I couldn’t sleep and when I did drop off I dreamed that Wesley Barrington Bains II was coming round and Cava-Sue was trying to put a tiara in my hair and it kept dropping out and smashing on Mum’s new breakfast bar.
    I am never eating Cheesy Starships again.

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL
    EASTER BREAK. IT’S SO BORING ’COS I AM TOTALLY SKINT. I asked Mum for hard cash, she got me a Twix egg instead.
    I am also bored ’cos Carrie is TOTALLY IN LOVE with Bezzie Kelleher. Yeah, OK, she’s been in love with him since January, but she says it’s MUCH deeper now that she’s actually spoken to him. Carrie’s been over to Bezzie’s house two times over the last fortnight to listen to some of his new tracks. Carrie doesn’t really want to listen to Bezzie’s tracks, she wants to snog him and stick her hands up his T-shirt and nibble his ears, but Bezzie ain’t exactly all over her like an octopus in return.
    It’s all a bit weird. Bezzie keeps texting Carrie and saying come over, then when she gets there covered in lipgloss and glitter makeup with her hair all ironed and her best hoodie on, stinking of Still by J-Lo Eau de Parfum, then Bezzie just sticks on some MP3 of a track he laid down that day at his Sound Engineer NVQ course, then they sit on his IKEA futon and eat toasted sandwiches. Bezzie likes string cheese and baked bean ones.
    I asked Carrie if she has even properly snogged with Bezzie yet and she said no, not really, although he did try to give her an Indian burn the other night when they were messing about and there was a “definite electric voltage” running between them. Carrie says she knows that Bezzie is a “man with needs” and she knows he has a “great passion bubbling away beneath his layers, aching to erupt.” I think she means under his tracksuit bottoms. Can’t say I noticed it myself.
    (I prefer to think that beneath Bezzie’s tracksuit bottoms he has ANOTHER pair of tracksuit bottoms then welded-on underpants “bubbling away,” ’cos the thought of him naked puts me off my fishfingers.)
    Carrie thinks Bezzie is “sex on a stick.” Carrie has never been the same since she finished
The Princess Diaries
on day one of her holidays to Dominican and ended up reading her mother’s Jackie Collins novel which was full of proper filthy bits about people doing it nonstop. Carrie wants to get a grip of herself or Latoya will be calling her a hoochie slut too.
    Carrie reckons the problem with Bezzie is he’s a bit shy. I don’t. I reckon he is a bit gay. On the
Nine O’ Clock News
once I saw a film about a gay pride march in central London and not all gays looked like Sean Burton in our class with the streaks who likes Kylie Minogue. Some of them looked like Bezzie too. Carrie didn’t look very happy when I said this and sat with her bottom lip out all through English, looking a lot like a baby pigeon.
    I can’t help it if I tell the truth. This is what I was meaning in my careers talk. This is why I’d be dead good on
Big Brother.
I can’t keep stuff in my head, it just blurts out of my mouth. I ain’t changing for nobody. I am too real.
    THURSDAY 3RD APRIL
    I’ve been thinking. Maybe I do need to stop blurting stuff out. I don’t reckon Bezzie is gay really. He’s probably just a bit scared ’cos Carrie keeps turning up at his house with big streaks of blush down her face and glitter eyeshadow that makes her look like one of them New Zealand tribesmen who wait at the airport with spears to scare Prince Charles. I won’t tell Carrie this. I’ll keep it to myself.
    I’ll never make 2.2 million quid like Tabitha Tennant if I keep on being this thoughtful.
    SATURDAY 5TH APRIL — EASTER SATURDAY
    This morning Carrie rang me and told me to tart myself up as we were meeting Bezzie and Wesley at 2:30 pm. So I said, “Carrie, I DON’T WANNA meet Wesley.”
    And she said, “Well it’s not like a proper