Free Unveiling The Sky by Jeannine Allison Page B

own,
    Speaking words I don’t believe.
    Convincing me I’m worthless,
    And that everyone will leave.

    You want me to be better,
    Don’t you think I want the same?
    But you’ve convinced yourself it’s nothing,
    Or that I’m the one to blame.

    So I’ll tell you that I’m “fine,”
    Because that’s all you want to hear.
    And I’ll conceal it with a smile,
    While hiding all the fear.

    I’ll bury all the feelings,
    And I’ll cut out all the pain.
    But that won’t mean I’m healed,
    I’ve just chosen to not “complain.”

    Because being sad was only half of it,
    And it was not the half to kill.
    The downfall began when I started to feel nothing,
    When I slowly lost my will.

    “Do you remember writing that?” Naomi asked softly.
    I nodded, unable to find my voice as my eyes continued boring holes into the page. Of course I remembered writing it. It’s hard to forget any part of it when you’re constantly terrified of it coming back.
    “When I found that in your room, I cried for like an hour after reading it.” I looked up to see her staring at the paper right before she gave a humorless laugh. “God, I felt like such a shit friend… that I couldn’t see it.”
    I grabbed her hand. “I didn’t want you to.”
    “I should have seen it anyway.” I opened my mouth, but she cut me off. “It just sucks is what I’m saying. We both could have done things differently, and it just sucks that this is something we have to deal with.”  
    I smiled at her use of we .
    “I just want to make sure you’ll tell me if you’re not fine. Because I wasn’t worried when you were crying or when you had emptied half your closet out onto the floor. I worried when you were numb. When I came to see you and all you’d be doing was staring out the window or up at the ceiling. When I had to say your name four times before you responded.”
    I laughed as a thought suddenly occurred to me. “Was that why we started doing random things like breaking plates and screaming underwater?”
    Her eyes lost some of their sadness as she laughed with me. “Yeah. I wanted to make sure you knew it was okay to feel those things. Which is why every time you said ‘fine’ last night, I wanted to strangle you. Because I can’t tell if you’re really fine or if it’s a cover. I don’t want you to think—”
    “I know. And I promise I was telling the truth.”  
    She looked at me for a long time before nodding. And even though there was probably more to say, we both tapered out into comfortable silence, content with how much was said.
    But Naomi could never stay silent for long, and as she started up the coffee maker a few minutes later, she said, “So I talked to Derek last night.”
    “Is he okay? How’s Gabe’s hand? How’s Derek?” I winced when I thought of how much worse it could have been.
    Naomi waved away my concern. “He’s fine.” She turned around with a smirk firmly in place and mischief in her eyes. “But he did say Gabe was pretty upset.”
    I rolled my eyes; I should have known where this was going. “Don’t start. I thought we decided he was off-limits, since he’s Derek’s roommate.”
    “I don’t remember having that conversation.”
    “Me neither,” Sherry said around a yawn as she came into the kitchen.
    “Fine. I decided he’s off-limits and I’m sticking to it.” They must have heard something final in my tone, because after giving each other a cautious, we’ll-come-back-to-it look, they shrugged and began preparing their coffee. I turned around and started digging things out of the fridge to make breakfast.  
    He’s off-limits. Because he’s Derek’s roommate. Because I wasn’t serious when I said I was ready to start dating. Because I barely know him, so there’s no way I like him already. It’s definitely not because I’m a neurotic scaredy-cat with commitment and trust issues. Noooo, siree. That’s not what this is about at all. At. All.
    I sighed.
    Thank God I’m not