Free What You Wish For by Fern Michaels Page B

when you’re walking on the street?”
    â€œI still dream once in a while. Yes, I still look over my shoulder. Sometimes I’m afraid to open the mailbox. I don’t know why that is. I feel better than I’ve ever felt. Mentally, I’m a lot stronger now. I don’t exactly ooze confidence, but I am getting more confident with each passing day.”
    â€œDo you think about him? ”
    â€œI try not to, but yes, at times I think of him and what I allowed him to do to me. I was so afraid. I feel anxious at times but not fearful. You don’t know this man, Boots. He will find me at some point.”
    â€œNo, TTLS, he will not find you. As long as you stick to the program, there is no way he can locate you. You must trust me on this.”
    â€œYou don’t know him.”
    â€œYes, TTLS, I do. I also know thousands of men just like him. Did you ever love that man?”
    â€œI’m not sure. I just wanted to belong to someone. I wanted someone to care about me. I thought he did in the beginning. That feeling lasted for about three days, until I found out what he was all about. I should have left the first time he hit me. I didn’t because I had nowhere to go. The four hundred dollars I had saved wouldn’t have taken me very far. Daniel insisted I give up my job. I couldn’t go back to my mother. When someone tells you over and over he is going to kill you and then describes the ways he plans on doing it so he won’t get caught, you start to believe him. Fear is a terrible thing.”
    â€œYes, it is. You’re past that now. Do you miss the shelter?”
    â€œYes. I think about it every day. I tend to think a nunnery is like the shelter. No worries, your needs are taken care of. All you have to do is take care of your spiritual well-being. Nuns always look so serene and unflappable. I envy that. My ultimate goal is to be able to be serene and unflappable. I want to be strong and gutsy, too. Do you ever feel like that, Boots?”
    â€œAt times. Tell me, what do you think one of those unflappable, serene nuns would have done if she were in your position? Would she have done something about it, would she have prayed for guidance, what? Don’t misunderstand me. I have nothing against nuns.”
    â€œI don’t know. They live among women. I imagine there are some women who became nuns for that reason.”
    â€œNuns live in very cloistered surroundings and lead very cloistered lives. If you were to take them outside of their realm, I think they would have a difficult time adjusting to the outside world. I don’t think they would remain serene and unflappable for very long. This is just my opinion. You see, that’s the reason we move our guests after sixty days. It is much too easy to fall into that safe, serene, unflappable trap. You have a whole new world you have to learn to deal with. It’s going to be whatever you make it. I’m just here to guide you along. Tell me, did you ever have your own bank account, you know, spending money of your own while you were married?”
    â€œNo. He . . . he handled all the finances. It was always cash in stores. I had to turn over the receipts. We had a lot of credit cards, but only Daniel could use them. They were all maxed out, and he would pay one off with the other. It was just a vicious circle. One time a dollar fell out of the zipper compartment of my purse, and I didn’t notice it. He went into such a rage, I ended up in the emergency room for six hours. I think it took me six hours at the flea market to spend that $29. I got such pleasure out of walking along, picking and choosing and finally deciding what to get. Do the . . . other women . . . are they getting a grasp on things better than me? Am I too slow, too . . . fearful? Is there some kind of time frame where I wake up one morning and suddenly realize I’m like Superwoman or something?”
    â€œEach person is