Free But Enough About You: Essays by Christopher Buckley Page B

when his car was riddled with bullets after he went through the EZ Pass lane at 38 miles per hour. Writing for the majority, Justice O’Connor noted, “While the presence of 187 bullet holes suggests zeal, even delight, on the part of the officers who disabled Mr. Gonzalez’s vehicle, their actions were consistent with existing local statues providing for ‘extraordinary measures’ when dealing with EZ Pass lane violators.”
    The Court struck down, 7–2, a controversial Connecticut state constitutional amendment granting full civil rights to raccoons. In a sharp dissent, Justice John Paul Stevens, a moderate liberal, suggested that Justice Scalia “was off his meds” when he wrote the majority opinion. “The Founders,” Stevens warned, “purposely left vague whether raccoons, nihilo minus of the fact that they carry rabies and upset garbage cans in the middle of the night, are second-class citizens.” Furthermore, “this will—and should—inspire fear among Connecticut’s porcupines, whose civil liberties have already suffered irreparable harm at the hands of juridical blackshirts.” Supreme Court guards had to separate the two justices and a brief recess was called.
    In Krud Coal Co. v. Wrings Water from Rocks , the Court ruled, 6–3, that a Colorado coal company that drained the entire water supply of a nearby Indian reservation in order to pump coal through its pipeline was not obliged to provide “compensatory hydration” to 2,300 Arapahoe left severely parched by the drainage of the aquifer thatthey have been using since A.D. 1000. In his majority opinion, Chief Justice Rehnquist pointed out, “there are three Coca-Cola machines on the reservation,” and that the Arapahoe “are by reputation excellent rain dancers.” In a withering dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg pointed out that Justice Rehnquist owns 6 percent of the Krud Coal Company, “in his Cayman Islands account”; moreover, that it has not rained in that part of Colorado since 1974.
    In Bigelow v. M&Ms , the Court ruled, 7–2, that a candy manufacturer could not be sued by someone seeking damages for adolescent acne. In a scathing majority opinion, Justice Scalia wrote, “Those who bring such suits deserve far worse than acne. They should, per antiqua lege Romana , be put in burlap sacks with wild cats—or, as Justice Stevens would no doubt prefer, raccoons—and thrown into the Potomac.” In his dissent, Justice Souter said that the ruling violates the equal protection clause, “as not all Americans have access to cats and water, or pari passu, burlap.”
    The Court ruled, 5–4, in Lamar Buford Podine v. State of Florida that a state is entitled to seek compensation for the wattage expended in executions by electric chair. Writing for the majority, Justice Thomas cited the sixteenth-century precedent of “tipping the headsman.” In a dissent, Justice Stevens wrote, “Earth to Clarence: this is the twentieth century. Or did you not get that memo?” Justice Rehnquist, who co-wrote the majority opinion with Justice Thomas, suggested that there should “definitely” be compensation if the electric chair in question was powered by coal.
    The Court strengthened the hand of bank examiners by ruling 6–3 that they should be permitted to administer physical torture while conducting routine audits. In another banking-related case, the Court ruled along straight ideological lines as to whether Screen Actors Guild actors who use ATM machines should be paid residualroyalties for appearing in the film taken by security cameras during transactions.
    In a bitter dispute involving Chief Justice Rehnquist’s basement parking space, the Court ruled, 8–1, that he should take “immediate steps” to repair the leaking crankcase of his 1997 Chevy Impala, which has been spilling oil onto Justices Kennedy’s, Ginsburg’s and Souter’s parking spaces. Writing for the majority, Justice Souter noted, “The Founders clearly intended for