Free How to Ruin My Teenage Life by Simone Elkeles Page B

dinner, Jess and I convince her parents to let us go back to my place to crash. We spend the rest of the evening Ben-less, talking about boys and bras and books until we’re tired. Then we take out ice cream from the freezer and watch movies on TV until I convince Jessica to call Mitch.
    He isn’t answering his cell, so she tries his house. Unfortunately, she gets reamed out by Mitch’s dad for calling past eleven o’clock. He doesn’t even tell her if Mitch is home or not.
    What do two parentless teenagers do at eleven at night? I have a brilliant idea. “Let’s call my cousin in Israel. It’s eight hours ahead there.”
    Before Jess can tell me it’s a horrible idea, I start dialing the gazillion digits to get access to the Israeli phone system. “Allo?” my Doda Yucky answers.
    â€œDoda Yucky, it’s Amy,” I yell into the receiver.
    â€œAh, Amy’leh. Mah nishmah ?” The woman thinks I’m fluent in Hebrew, but really my dad told me mah nishmah means “how is everything?” It’s a staple phrase for Israelis.
    â€œGreat. Is Osnat there?”
    â€œShe’s right here. Give your aba my love, tov ?”
    â€œ Tov .”
    â€œAmy?” Osnat asks.
    â€œYeah, it’s your American cousin. Remember me?”
    â€œHow could I forget. Our sheep still has a Mohawk from when you shaved it.”
    Ha, ha. Very funny. Okay, so my sheep-shearing skills are definitely lacking, but I did make a valiant effort. “ Mah nishmah ?” I ask her.
    â€œ Ah, evreet shelach mitzuyan .”
    â€œOkay, cut the Hebrew. You know I have no clue what you’re saying. How’s Avi?”
    â€œLooking hot.”
    â€œYou’ve seen him?”
    â€œYeah. Why, hasn’t he called you since his basic training was over?”
    No. “I’m sure he was busy.” He wrote that he’d be in basic training for another week. I wonder what he’s doing back home. Even more, I wonder why he hasn’t called. You know what they say: if they’re not into you, they don’t call. If they’re into you, they’ll find the time.
    My stomach muscles clench up, but I continue talking to Osnat and then talk to Safta, my grandmother, who tells me the doctors think her tumor shrunk since her last set of chemo treatments. She insists she’s doing fine, but her voice is weaker than I remember. I promise to call next week and she promises she’ll stay healthy and strong until I come to Israel for summer break.
    Jess is thumbing through my CD collection, looking more depressed than I am. I come up with an idea. “Try texting Mitch.”
    â€œI tried before. He ignored it.”
    I grab her phone and start texting.
    Jess sits on the bed next to me. “What are you doing?”
    â€œGetting your boyfriend’s attention,” I tell her. Mitch is obsessed with his cell phone. He’ll for sure have it with him. If he’s ignoring Jess on purpose, I’ll kill him.
    Me: Mitch, it’s Amy. Jess is XOXOing another dude
    Mitch: What?
    Me: Just kidding. Where R U?
    Mitch: At a movie w/friends. Can’t talk.
    Me: Call your gf tomorrow. Or else.
    Mitch: U don’t scare me, Amy.
    Me: Y not?
    Mitch: Bark worse than bite.
    Me: I don’t bite.
    Mitch: I dated U. U bite.
    I turn off the phone and look up at Jess. “He said he’ll call you tomorrow.”
    â€œReally?” she asks, looking hopeful. “Where is he?”
    â€œAt a movie with friends.”
    â€œI talked to him earlier. He didn’t say anything about a movie. Since when can’t I go with him and his friends to a movie?”
    I shrug. I can’t figure out my own boyfriend. How am I supposed to figure out hers?
    I lie in bed later thinking about all the promises I forgot to get from Avi. Maybe I’m delirious thinking he’s waiting for me to come back to Israel. If he’s not thinking of me, why am I