Free The Sportin' Life by Nancy Frederick Page B

with me as fuel for my fantasies at lunch time. Then I could go to eat filled with the happiness of knowing how much Holly cared for me, and feeling secure that if I did eventually grow to love her, then surely she would return my feelings.
    It began to seem important to me to find my own place, so that Holly and I could get together mid-week. I stepped up my efforts and began seeing more and more houses that seemed like viable possibilities. I imagined what it would be like. I would go home and Holly could meet me there after work. She could cook me a wonderful dinner, because I was sure that she was a gourmet cook. All girls who want to be wives are gourmet cooks. We could have a swim in the pool, if I got a house with a pool, and I definitely planned to. We could soak naked in the Jacuzzi and then fall into bed together, early enough to make love for a long while and still get to sleep in plenty of time to feel rested the next morning. I could even make love to her again when we woke up.
    My dreams about the house and Holly escalated daily. It was almost as if Holly herself didn ’ t play a real part in the plans, because Holly was more in my mind than in real life, and that made it even better because I could imagine it any way I wanted it. Of course Holly was an important part of my life, and she was as sweet and congenial as ever, but she was a greater part of my fantasy life, and in that she was far more interesting, because I could invest her with many qualities she didn ’ t possess, making her an amalgam of all the women I ’ ve known and the things about them I ’ ve liked.
    I began to think about asking Holly to move in with me. That was the ultimate fantasy. I could imagine Holly there for me every day and every night, and maybe she could even quit working if she wanted to. God knows I make enough money. No, I didn ’ t really want her to quit work, because that would be a serious step, and even in my fantasies I wasn ’ t ready to propose to Holly. But if she lived with me, she would be there all the time, ready to smile at me and to walk willingly into my arms the way she always did, as though I were the best prize she could ever imagine.
    Finally I did buy a house. The only problem was that it wouldn ’ t be vacant for several more weeks, but after all, instant gratification isn ’ t everything. I now had my house, at least I knew what it looked like, and it did have a pool and a Jacuzzi, so my fantasies were fueled by the reality that I would soon inhabit. I took Holly with me to shop for furniture, although she hadn ’ t actually seen the house. We walked hand in hand through the furniture stores, talking about this possibility and that, just as though we were the happy couple that I always envision. It was a wonderful time. I never had the experience before of sharing a personal task that has emotional meaning, and it is as special as all the songwriters say.
    Holly and I would sit in restaurants and discuss possibilities for the house and I would listen to her suggestions with satisfaction. There she was across from me, so pretty and neat, with her soft, innocent voice describing the various pieces of furniture we had seen and how they all might go together to create a home in which I would be happy. That was Holly ’ s goal — my happiness and it was wonderful to be at the center of her world.
    It was then that I first noticed Holly ’ s teeth. They were crooked. How odd that I had never seen before how the left front tooth overlapped the right. Holly would smile as usual, and instead of hearing what she was saying, I focused on that tooth. Over and over in my mind I would see the crooked tooth and envision straightening it. Focusing on the tooth distracted me from what I was saying, and thus it fell to Holly to uphold more of the conversation. And suddenly I noticed something. Holly had no real ideas or interests of her own. She never talked about her day. All she did was listen to me talk