Free Channel Blue by Jay Martel Page A

crucifix on a shiny gold chain. ‘Yeah, I banged her,’ he said. ‘Hold on.’ He accelerated and cut off another car attempting to merge into his lane. ‘Nice try, asshole!’ he yelled to the other car. Smiling, he continued his phone call. ‘Yeah, she was totally hot. I might even take her out again.’
    Perry turned to Amanda, who was watching the man in the car with unmistakable pride. ‘That,’ Amanda said, ‘is the most famous man on Earth.’
    On the wall, the man in the car turned into a parking lot, leaned on his horn, and cut off a minivan to slip into the parking lot’s last open space.
    Perry watched this, perplexed. ‘Who is he?’
    ‘Steve Santiago,’ Amanda said. ‘He’s incredible. Watch.’ Steve jumped out of the sports car – the vanity licence plates read LVE MY RDE – trotted into a Starbucks and walked past a line of waiting customers to the counter.
    ‘I need a latte pronto,’ he shouted at a barista. When one of the waiting customers dared protest, Steve froze him with a glare and said, ‘I’ve got a medical condition, I can’t stand in line.’ Mumbling ‘asshole’ under his breath, Steve conspicuously dropped a five-dollar bill into the tip jar, only to expertly fish it out as soon as the cashier turned her back.
    Amanda shook her head with wonderment. ‘He’s like this all the time,’ she said. ‘Just when you think he might do something that isn’t horrible, he surprises you with something even worse.’ While Steve waited impatiently for his drink, he angled for a peek down the blouse of an old woman.
    Perry was still puzzled. ‘This is one of your shows?’
    Amanda nodded. ‘Up until a few years ago, it was the top show on Channel Blue. When it started going down in the ratings, I was assigned the job of reviving it. But it hasn’t been easy.’
    ‘I don’t understand,’ Perry said. ‘ This is really a show.’
    ‘Steve is a Jacuzzi salesman in Encino,’ Amanda said. ‘He’s unfaithful to his girlfriend, he steals from his job, he lies to his friends, he cheats at golf, he rents his condo out for pornographic film shoots during the day, and on his holidays he goes to Mexico, buys prescription drugs and sells them at a profit to poor cancer patients. Every Sunday after the service at his church, he goes to fellowship and steals coffee filters. He has the most amazing amalgamation of bad qualities of any living being in the galaxy, and he’s the reason I brought you here. All we have to do is figure out a great new story idea for Steve, and we can save Earth. What are your thoughts?’
    ‘My thoughts?’
    ‘Work with me, Mr Bunt. We don’t have much time here.’
    ‘This is crazy,’ Perry said. ‘Are you telling me that your biggest show is some asshole from Encino?’
    ‘Not just some asshole,’ Amanda said. ‘The biggest asshole ever .’
    ‘I don’t get it. I thought you were some kind of advanced civilisation with superior intelligence.’
    ‘No matter how smart you are, Earthles being cruel and selfish is entertaining. You’re just going to have to take my word on that.’
    ‘You’re sadists.’
    ‘Look at the stuff you all watch for fun – football, boxing, wrestling, humiliating reality TV, demeaning game shows, ultra-violent movies. Because we’re more advanced, we’ve eradicated the lame justifications for witnessing debasement. We take our entertainment straight.’
    Perry was about to argue this point when the door flew open and the two security guards walked into the room, one short and squat, the other tall and thin.
    ‘You’re both going to have to come with us,’ the short one said.

CHANNEL 9
    THE IDEA THAT WILL SAVE THE EARTH
    The two security guards stood in the doorway. ‘You are in violation of company rules,’ the tall one said to Amanda.
    Perry stood frozen in fear. As was his wont, when confronted by an authority figure, be they the lowliest substitute study-hall teacher or the most menacing alien security guard,