Free The Royal Mess by MaryJanice Davidson Page A

on my mother, Jeffrey, unless you’d like a pistol-provided enema.”
    â€œIf I have angered Her Highness, I apologize.”
    â€œAnd stop talking about me in the third person!”
    â€œA thousand apologies.” He paused and swallowed a snicker. “To Her Highness.”
    This time the kick landed on his left shin, after which she spent a full minute hobbling in a small circle and groaning, “Ow, my God, oh ouch, oh ow, ow, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch !”
    â€œDo you require a doctor, ma’am?”
    â€œNo fucking doctor! Jeffrey, you are driving me batshit .”
    â€œA thousand apologies.”
    â€œWell, that’s two thousand for me, then. And we’re never going to talk about it again, are we?”
    â€œTalk about what?” he said, playing dumb, which he did almost as well as Edmund.
    â€œThis,” she said, and caught him by the hair and pulled him down to her for a kiss that he thought might burn his mouth.

Chapter 24
    T hey grappled, groped, and danced back and forth on the lawn, their mouths together, their tongues dueling, until Nicole lost her balance, Jeffrey lost his trying to grab for her, and they both rolled all the way down the south lawn.
    How steep is this hill? she had time to wonder before fetching up against the trunk of a tree, hard.
    She groaned.
    â€œNicole?” His face peered anxiously down at her, feeling her limbs, the back of her skull. “Are you all right? Do you need a doc—”
    â€œNo . . . fucking . . . doctors,” she moaned, wondering if he’d even realized he’d dropped the “Her Highness” crap. “Had my fill while I was watching my mom die.” She sat up and observed the line of pine trees marking the edge of the lawn. “Oh, man, I hope you’ve got a crane in one of your pockets. I don’t think I can get back up that hill on my own.”
    â€œWhy—why did you do that?”
    â€œBecause I’m clumsy and I don’t know the lay of the land.”
    â€œNot that. Why did you kiss me?”
    She extended a hand, more to feel his than anything else, and he pulled her easily to her feet. “Why did you kiss me ?”
    â€œI told you why. Once you’re officially a princess—”
    â€œScrew that, Jeffrey. Do you know how long it’s been since I got laid?”
    He gaped at her.
    â€œWell?”
    Still he stared.
    â€œOver two years, buddy boy. And if you think I’m gonna be The Celibate Princess, your tailor’s been cutting your suits too tight.”
    â€œI—I—I—”
    â€œPut it this way. You can do me, or you can find someone to do me. Y’know, vet their credentials, make sure they’re not a security risk. That sort of thing. Either that or I keep sneaking out of the castle at odd times of the day and night looking for lurrrrrv.”
    Even in the gloom, she could see him whiten. “You—you—you—”
    â€œAre you sure you’re the smart one?”
    â€œMy IQ is 157,” he snapped, brushing pine needles out of his hair, “and you’re telling me I’ve got to fuck you or pimp you?”
    â€œWow, that’s quite a turn of phrase, Big Brain. But, yeah. That’s what I’m telling you.”
    He threw up his hands and walked around in a small circle. “You’re just as bad as any of them!”
    â€œOh, hey. No need to get nasty.”
    â€œMy way or the highway.” Now he was kicking grass. “It ought to be on the Baranov coat of arms.”
    â€œWhat is on the Baranov coat—”
    â€œNicole, I can’t.”
    â€œOh. Old war injury?” She swallowed a giggle as she saw him flush.
    â€œI didn’t mean I physically can’t—couldn’t—I mean I’m perfectly capable—that is, the ladies have said—not that there have been a lot, but—oh, fuck.”
    That was it; it was too much. Overload. She