Free The Last Word by Lisa Lutz Page B

Spellmans.
    Sydney began calling many things banana . If you held up an orange, she said banana . A carton of milk, banana . Cheerios, banana . Oddly enough, if you showed Sydney a banana she would shout, “No apple.”
    David discovered that his favorite babysitter and sister (Rae) was conducting linguistic
     experiments on his daughter. He never told anyone because when Rae was a child David
     wrote a children’s book called How to Negotiate Everything , 3 which he read to Rae repeatedly as a toddler. Thisbook has informed Rae’s character in more ways than any of her family wishes to consider.
     So, in a way, David performed his own experiment on a family member.
    It wasn’t that babysitters were in short supply. David and Maggie lived just a few
     short miles from Albert and Olivia Spellman’s home. But he had seen what female product
     had come from the parental unit—Isabel and Rae—and he wanted none of that.
    And that was a mistake David would pay for dearly.
    Ruth Spellman—Grammy Spellman, great-grandmother to Sydney—like all grandmothers,
     lives to babysit. It was a win-win situation for David and Maggie. Or so they thought.
     No one likes Grammy very much, or at all. But she certainly would know how to keep
     a child alive and put her to bed at a decent hour and until Sydney complained, they
     would avail themselves of her services whenever they needed a night out.
    •  •  •
    This almost brings us up to date. Remember Isabel, 4 the impoverished younger sister of David, who lives in her brother’s basement apartment?
     One night, Izzy decided to forage for food upstairs. She entered quietly through the
     back door to avoid disturbing any sleeping children or awake adults. As Isabel perused
     the pantry and gathered bags of Goldfish, string cheese, and a bottle of cheap wine
     that she knew her brother would save for family dinners or unwelcome guests, she overheard
     a conversation in the living room that alarmed her working-class sensibilities. She
     placed her reserves on the dryer and tiptoed down the galley kitchen to the mouth
     of the dining area, where the acoustics were more eavesdropping-friendly. Two familiar
     voices were having the most disturbing conversation.
    GRAMMY: Young lady, elbows off the table.
    SYDNEY: I want fish.
    GRAMMY: What do you say?
    SYDNEY: Fish please.
    GRAMMY: Those are empty calories, young lady. That’s the kind of food your aunt Izzy eats.
     It’s not good for you.
    SYDNEY: Cookie please.
    GRAMMY: Sit up straight. A young lady crosses her legs. You have to be very careful when
     you’re wearing a dress, Sydney. Here’s your cookie.
    SYDNEY: Thank you.
    GRAMMY: In the future you should say thank you before you start eating the cookie. And for
     every cookie you eat, you have to walk around the block at least twice or play in
     the park for twenty minutes. If you get hungry later, we’ll have carrot sticks.
    SYDNEY: I don’t like this.
    GRAMMY: It is a cookie for young ladies. 5
    SYDNEY: But I don’t like it, Grammy.
    GRAMMY: I don’t like them either, but they’re low in calories. So, Sydney, what do you want
     to be when you grow up?
    SYDNEY: A princess. I want a cookie.
    GRAMMY: How about I make you a deal.
    SYDNEY: I want a cookie.
    GRAMMY: Wouldn’t you like a pretty pink princess dress?
    SYDNEY: Yes. I want a princess dress.
    GRAMMY: I will get you the prettiest princess dress you’ve ever seen if you promise Grammy
     that you will eat young-lady cookies and stay away from bad food.
    SYDNEY: Izzy food?
    GRAMMY: Right. Stay away from Izzy food.
    SYDNEY: Where is the dress?
    GRAMMY: Do you know what else a princess has to have?
    SYDNEY: A crown.
    GRAMMY: A princess has to have impeccable manners. Do you know what manners are?
    And that is when the brainwashing began. Every Thursday night—movie night for David
     and Maggie; Emily Post night for Sydney and Grammy—Grammy would arrive, help Sydney
     into a pink crinoline dress and tiara that she