Free The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks Page B
Authors: Iain Banks
fine. I eat dogs! Heh heh heh!’
I groaned. ‘Oh, God, you’re not really, are you?’
‘What else can I eat? It’s great, Frankie boy; I’m keeping to the fields and the woods and walking a lot and getting lifts and when I get near a town I look for a good fat juicy dog and I make friends with it and take it out to the woods and then I kill it and eat it. What could be simpler? I do love the outdoor life.’
‘You are cooking them, aren’t you?’
‘Of course I’m fucking cooking them,’ Eric said indignantly. ‘What do you think I am?’
‘Is that all you’re eating?’
‘No. I steal things. Shoplift. It’s so easy. I steal things I can’t eat, just for the hell of it. Like tampons and plastic dustbin-liners and party-size packets of crisps and one hundred cocktail sticks and twelve cake-candles in various colours and photograph frames and steering-wheel covers in simulated leather and towel-holders and fabric-softeners and double-action air-fresheners to waft away those lingering kitchen smells and cute little boxes for awkward odds and ends and packs of cassettes and lockable petrol-caps and record-cleaners and telephone indexes slimming magazines pot-holders packs of name-labels artificial eyelashes make-up boxes anti-smoking mixture toy watches—’
‘Don’t you like crisps?’ I broke in quickly.
‘Eh?’ He sounded confused.
‘You mentioned party-size packets of crisps as being something you couldn’t eat.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Frank, could you eat a party-size packet of crisps?’
‘And how are you keeping?’ I said quickly. ‘I mean, you must be sleeping rough. Aren’t you catching cold or something?’
‘I’m not sleeping.’
‘You’re not sleeping ?’
‘Of course not. You don’t have to sleep. That’s just something they tell you to keep control over you. Nobody has to sleep; you’re taught to sleep when you’re a kid. If you’re really determined, you can get over it. I’ve got over the need to sleep. I never sleep now. That way it’s a lot easier to keep watch and make sure they don’t creep up on you, and you can keep going as well. Nothing like keeping going. You become like a ship.’
‘Like a ship?’ Now I was confused.
‘Stop repeating everything I say, Frank.’ I heard him put more money into the box. ‘I’ll teach you how not to sleep when I get back.’
‘Thanks. When do you expect to get here?’
‘Sooner or later. Ha ha ha ha ha!’
‘Look, Eric, why are you eating dogs if you can steal all that stuff?’
‘I’ve already told you, you idiot ; you can’t eat any of that crap.’
‘But, then, why not steal stuff you can eat and don’t steal the stuff you can’t and don’t bother with the dogs?’ I suggested. I already knew it wasn’t a good idea; I could hear the tone of my voice rising higher and higher as I spoke the sentence, and that was always a sign I was getting into some sort of verbal mess.
Eric shouted: ‘Are you crazy ? What’s the matter with you? What’s the point of that? These are dogs , aren’t they? It isn’t as though I was killing cats or fieldmice or goldfish or anything. I’m talking about dogs , you rabid dingbat! Dogs! ’
‘You don’t have to shout at me,’ I said evenly, though starting to get angry myself. ‘I was only asking why you waste so much time stealing stuff you can’t eat and then waste more time stealing dogs when you could steal and eat at the same time, as it were.’
‘“As it were”? “As it were”? What the hell are you gibbering about?’ Eric yelled, his strangled voice hoarse and contralto.
‘Oh, don’t start screaming,’ I moaned, putting my other hand over my forehead and through my hair, closing my eyes.
‘I’ll scream if I want to!’ Eric screamed. ‘What do you think I’m doing all this for? Eh? What the hell do you think I’m doing all this for? These are dogs , you brainless little shitbag! Haven’t you any brains
I groaned. ‘Oh, God, you’re not really, are you?’
‘What else can I eat? It’s great, Frankie boy; I’m keeping to the fields and the woods and walking a lot and getting lifts and when I get near a town I look for a good fat juicy dog and I make friends with it and take it out to the woods and then I kill it and eat it. What could be simpler? I do love the outdoor life.’
‘You are cooking them, aren’t you?’
‘Of course I’m fucking cooking them,’ Eric said indignantly. ‘What do you think I am?’
‘Is that all you’re eating?’
‘No. I steal things. Shoplift. It’s so easy. I steal things I can’t eat, just for the hell of it. Like tampons and plastic dustbin-liners and party-size packets of crisps and one hundred cocktail sticks and twelve cake-candles in various colours and photograph frames and steering-wheel covers in simulated leather and towel-holders and fabric-softeners and double-action air-fresheners to waft away those lingering kitchen smells and cute little boxes for awkward odds and ends and packs of cassettes and lockable petrol-caps and record-cleaners and telephone indexes slimming magazines pot-holders packs of name-labels artificial eyelashes make-up boxes anti-smoking mixture toy watches—’
‘Don’t you like crisps?’ I broke in quickly.
‘Eh?’ He sounded confused.
‘You mentioned party-size packets of crisps as being something you couldn’t eat.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Frank, could you eat a party-size packet of crisps?’
‘And how are you keeping?’ I said quickly. ‘I mean, you must be sleeping rough. Aren’t you catching cold or something?’
‘I’m not sleeping.’
‘You’re not sleeping ?’
‘Of course not. You don’t have to sleep. That’s just something they tell you to keep control over you. Nobody has to sleep; you’re taught to sleep when you’re a kid. If you’re really determined, you can get over it. I’ve got over the need to sleep. I never sleep now. That way it’s a lot easier to keep watch and make sure they don’t creep up on you, and you can keep going as well. Nothing like keeping going. You become like a ship.’
‘Like a ship?’ Now I was confused.
‘Stop repeating everything I say, Frank.’ I heard him put more money into the box. ‘I’ll teach you how not to sleep when I get back.’
‘Thanks. When do you expect to get here?’
‘Sooner or later. Ha ha ha ha ha!’
‘Look, Eric, why are you eating dogs if you can steal all that stuff?’
‘I’ve already told you, you idiot ; you can’t eat any of that crap.’
‘But, then, why not steal stuff you can eat and don’t steal the stuff you can’t and don’t bother with the dogs?’ I suggested. I already knew it wasn’t a good idea; I could hear the tone of my voice rising higher and higher as I spoke the sentence, and that was always a sign I was getting into some sort of verbal mess.
Eric shouted: ‘Are you crazy ? What’s the matter with you? What’s the point of that? These are dogs , aren’t they? It isn’t as though I was killing cats or fieldmice or goldfish or anything. I’m talking about dogs , you rabid dingbat! Dogs! ’
‘You don’t have to shout at me,’ I said evenly, though starting to get angry myself. ‘I was only asking why you waste so much time stealing stuff you can’t eat and then waste more time stealing dogs when you could steal and eat at the same time, as it were.’
‘“As it were”? “As it were”? What the hell are you gibbering about?’ Eric yelled, his strangled voice hoarse and contralto.
‘Oh, don’t start screaming,’ I moaned, putting my other hand over my forehead and through my hair, closing my eyes.
‘I’ll scream if I want to!’ Eric screamed. ‘What do you think I’m doing all this for? Eh? What the hell do you think I’m doing all this for? These are dogs , you brainless little shitbag! Haven’t you any brains