Free Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings by Ron Burgundy Page B

land? Incredible. It would be incredible. I’m going to do it.
    The fact is the United States of America is better than Mexico not for all the reasons above but for this simple fact: The Mexican people are THE most self-centered people I know. Here’s a little test I throw at your average Mexican. I have five questions locked and loaded that I will spring on them just to prove my theory from time to time.
    Question 1. Who signed the Declaration of Independence first?
    Question 2. How many original colonies were there?
    Question 3. Name three Hostess baked-good products.
    Question 4. Order these five cities by population, highest to lowest: Toledo, Mobile, St. Paul, Salt Lake City, Orlando.
    Question 5. Sing the national anthem.
    As you can see, no tricks here, just plain simple questions anybody on this green earth should be able to answer, especially Mexicans. Notice I don’t just ask culturally specific questions. These are questions to which everyone in the world knows the answer. Of course in this country children can answer these questions! In Mexico hardly anybody knows the answers. Who doesn’t know the original colonies? Who can’t say three Hostess products? Cupcakes! Twinkies! Ho Hos! Easy! It’s not like I’m asking some poor Mexican guy off the street to recite the Constitution. Heck,
I
can’t even do that. But really? You grow up a few miles from the greatest country in history and you don’t even know “The Star-Spangled Banner”? That’s either stupidity or willful ignorance. I go back and forth on this one. I used to only believe it was willful ignorance, which got me into a lot of fights and a lot of jail time. Now I see the Mexican as a simple man without much capacity for learning. It goes back to my theory on brain size. In some ways I feel sorry for him. As a great nation we shoulddo something, but what? What can you really do if the people themselves don’t want to learn American history so they can better themselves? What can you do! It’s terribly frustrating! Goddamn it, I just threw my typewriter out the window! It gets me so frustrated though. You’re not going to believe this; I threw another typewriter out the window. That’s two that have flown through the air while I’ve been writing about Mexico. I gotta cool down. Typewriters are heavy and could cause a lot of damage down below. I took a shower. I shouldn’t get so worked up. Anyway, I challenge you to find a nation wallowing in its own stupid patriotic pride more than the Mexican nation. Everywhere you go idiots are waving flags and bragging about how great they are. Okay, if you’re so great, how is it you can’t even sing the national anthem? Grrrrrr! Hard to believe but I threw out my last typewriter. Luckily Sears was open, where I have a card, and I was able to purchase THEIR last typewriter. No more writing about Mexico!
    Canada is a whole different ball of wax. Imagine sitting in an airport lobby for three days. The only food you can eat is raw potatoes and water. The whole time you’re being forced to listen to babies crying and the hits of Sha Na Na. Also there are no bathrooms. This is the kind of insufferable boredom one feels the moment you enter Canada. Your whole body begins to physically decay. The spiritual life drains out of you. Suicide constantly enters your thoughts. Being awake in Canada offers nothing more than watching the sands of your own mortality pass through the hourglass until it is empty. There is nothing to be hopeful about. There is no projection of something better, only existence in the rawest form.A Canadian might tell you he is happy. Don’t be fooled. He is living within a sickening paradigm that defines happiness as joyless existing devoid of those qualities that make us human. Almost any Canadian you meet in our country and who has been out of Canada for a while can tell you that he now lives in a magical land. That’s why so many of the Canadians you meet in this country are so