Free Searching for Cate by Marie Ferrarella Page B

disoriented, really her biological mother, or had Jeremy’s information led them in the wrong direction?
    She searched for signs of resemblance and thought she saw a few, but her desire to belong could have colored her perception. Maybe she looked like her father. So far, the only picture she’d managed to find of Jimmy Rollins was his last DMV photo. In true DMV fashion, the photograph was terrible.
    â€œMy mother,” Cate repeated. The word tasted chalkyon her tongue. Part of her felt disloyal to Julia for even addressing someone else by that name, but part of her felt this need to connect, to still be someone’s daughter. The confidence with which she’d helmed her life was nowhere in sight.
    Joan pressed the button on the side railing, moving the bed into more of an upright position. She struggled to get hold of herself.
    This can’t be happening, it wasn’t real.
    She was still reeling from what Dr. Graywolf had just told her, she couldn’t handle this on top of that.
    Despite the reading about breast cancer that she’d done, despite having talked to several women at her club who had lived through the horror that she now faced, she’d discovered in the last five minutes that she wasn’t prepared at all. Not emotionally. Not for this horrible gut-twisting feeling that threatened to cut off her very air. She felt trapped, unable to know which way to run or where.
    And Ron, well, Ron didn’t know how to deal with anything that couldn’t be solved with some kind of an elaborate mathematical equation. Her husband of the last twenty-two years had all his emotions stored somewhere in a bank vault and she had no idea what the combination to it was.
    Her nerves frayed, her future uncertain, Joan was in no condition to field this latest shock.
    Avoiding the young woman’s eyes, Joan grasped at a lie. “I’m afraid that you must have me confused with someone else.”
    Then why won’t you look at me? Cate silently demanded. People lied to her all the time, attempting toavoid the consequences of their actions. Part of her job was to see through the lies and get down to the truth.
    She saw through Joan’s.
    Cate moved closer to the bed. “Are you Joan Cunningham?”
    The woman’s breathing became more audible. Like a cornered animal, Cate thought.
    â€œYes, but—”
    Holding up her hand, Cate didn’t let her finish. “And are you formerly Joan Haywood?”
    The look of panic in the woman’s eyes increased. “Yes, but—”
    Cate pushed on, refusing to allow the woman a chance to regroup. “And did you live in the San Francisco area twenty-eight years ago? Did you know someone named ‘Blue?’”
    Joan dug her fingers so deeply into the bedclothes that she was pulling loose not only the white blanket, but the sheets beneath it. Panicked, unable to cope, she cried, “Get out.”
    Cate remained where she was. Rather than triumph, she felt anger welling up inside of her. This was the woman who’d given her away. People gave away things they didn’t want, not children.
    Her voice was deadly calm, even though her insides were in turmoil. “Well, did you?”
    â€œI said get out!”
    The order came out in almost a high-pitched scream. Frantically, Joan searched for the buzzer to summon a nurse, an orderly, someone, anyone, to come and help her. To come and save her.
    This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. Shewas back in her own bed in her own bedroom and this was some nightmare she was having. If she could only scream, Ron would shake her awake and tell her that this was just one of those awful dreams she sometimes had. Dreams of small girls with huge green eyes looking up at her.
    It had been a mistake ever to hold that baby, to even look at it. If she hadn’t, she would have been able to sweep this out of her life forever, like the nightmare it was.
    But she had