Free The Boy Detective Fails by Joe Meno Page A

hands begin to clutch helplessly at the air. Once more, the coach hits his horn:
    Beep-beep-beep.
    Beep-beep-beep.
    Beep-beep , and before Billy knows it, he is crawling out from under the porch.
    “You two, wait here,” he tells the children.
    “Billy?”
    Immediately, Billy decides he does not like the looks of the coach. The man’s face is large and angry with an enormous, stubbly chin. The coach holds the horn down: Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp .
    An intense white heat is exploding from behind Billy’s eyes. It overtakes him. He looks around and sees Effie Mumford’s field hockey stick lying on the front lawn: He grabs it and charges the automobile without a word, smashing in the front headlight. It breaks without much of a sound at all, just a single soft crack . The coach lays off the horn and is suddenly out of the car, shoving Billy. He has Billy in an awkward full nelson. Effie Mumford is hurrying out from under the porch but not before the coach punches Billy in the stomach, pushing him to the ground.
    “No, no, no!” Effie Mumford shouts. “He doesn’t understand.”
    “That guy started hitting my car!” the coach yells back. “He’s crazy.”
    Effie Mumford helps Billy to his feet, holding his hand while he tries to breathe.
    “Billy, why did you that?” she asks.
    “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t like that man’s face.”
    “Oh,” Effie Mumford says.
    The three of them are standing in the sun then, Billy doubled over, breathing heavily.

    THIRTEEN
    It is truly his secret weakness: The boy detective is not very daring, though he wishes he was. While he is lying in his small bed, holding his sore ribs, he hears, from down the hall in the Shady Glens television room, a theme song from his favorite television show playing loudly. The show is Modern Police Cadet , a black-and-white British series from the ’50s. The theme song’s lyrics are:
    Modern
    Police
    Cadet
    Familiar with all the latest laws
    Modern
    Police
    Cadet
    Beware criminals
    Everywhere
    Modern Police Cadet is, without a doubt, the boy detective’s favorite television program of all time. It is a series that follows the investigative exploits of one Leopold Jones, an awkward, stuttering, nervous Scotland Yard cadet by day, who, because of his amazingly modern crime-solving skills, is allowed to work on unsolved cases by night. Billy must decide if he will go down to the television room and watch it or not. He thinks about it for a good, long minute. He imagines the thinly mustached Leopold Jones, Modern Police Cadet, working some strange case—the Mystery of the Stolen Diamond Hand, perhaps, following the clues, missing his cadet exams (as he was often apt to do), coyly admonishing the beautiful cat burglar when catching her in the end. Billy then decides he will go down the hall, but only to check to see if it is an episode he has watched already.
    As he reaches for the doorknob, he stops, realizing there is a good chance if he goes down the hall, one of the other residents will want to talk to him about something, or will want to touch him, or worse, may try to assault him. He stands in front of the door, wondering if it will be worth it. He will stand there for more than an hour, trying to decide.

    FOURTEEN
    It is embarrassing to admit, but Chapter Fourteen has been stolen. We truly apologize for this.

    FIFTEEN
    The boy detective and the Mumford children are now playing freeze tag. It is twilight and the children only have one hour before they must be inside. Billy is frozen in a running position as Gus Mumford chases Effie Mumford around him. Just then, two teenaged boys in black dusters and black eye makeup pass. The boys are looking at each other and winking. One of the boys is rounder with a black