Free Uncle Dynamite by P.G. Wodehouse Page A

no
means of knowing as yet, of course, if the simple ruse has proved effective,
but I think we may feel reasonably optimistic. He tells me it is darkish in the
corner of the hall where the original used to stand, and I don’t suppose Mugsy
is in the habit of scrutinizing it too carefully. Just a casual glance in
passing, and he toddles off to the garden to enjoy the sunshine.’
    ‘Why do
you call him Mugsy?’
    ‘We
always used to at school.’
    ‘Were
you and Sir Aylmer at school together?’
    ‘For
years.’
    ‘Then
couldn’t you plead with him?’
    ‘No, I
could not. I was telling his nephew, whom I met in the train yesterday, that I
once gave young Mugsy Bostock six with a fives bat, and no doubt the incident
still rankles. Pongo is the one who must plead.’
    ‘If
everything has gone well.’
    ‘I feel
convinced that it has. He says Mugsy is short-sighted and won’t wear
spectacles, and he described the housemaid as staunch and true and not at all
the sort to squeal to the big four.’
    ‘You’re
a great comfort, Uncle Fred.’
    ‘I try
to be, my dear. Sweetness and light, that is my slogan.’
    ‘It was
lucky you happened to have a bust handy.’
    ‘Extraordinarily
fortunate. For one reason and another Ickenham Hall has never been very well
provided with them. Statues, yes. If you came to me with a hurry call for a
nude Venus, I could fill the order without any trouble whatsoever. My
grandfather specialized in them. “Home isn’t home,” he used to say, running a
thoughtful hand through his whiskers, “without plenty of nude Venuses.” The
result being that in certain parts of the grounds you have the illusion of
having wandered into a Turkish bath on ladies’ night. But busts, no. We
Ickenhams have somehow never gone in for busts. So if it hadn’t been for you
providentially leaving one in my care —It is not easy to rise in a single bound
from a Barribault armchair, but Sally had done so. Her face was pale, and she
was staring with wide, horrified eyes.
    ‘Uncle
Fred! You didn’t give him that one?’
    ‘Yes.
Why, what’s wrong?’
    Sally
dropped back into her chair.
    ‘It had Alice ’s jewels in it,’ she said
in a toneless whisper.
    ‘What!’
    ‘Yes. I
slipped them in at the top of the plaster, and Alice was going to call for the bust next week and take it to America . That was the “way” I was telling
you I thought of.’
    ‘Well,
dash my wig and buttons!’ said Lord Ickenham.
    There
followed a pregnant silence. Having dashed his wig and buttons, Lord Ickenham,
though nobody could have called him an unresourceful man, seemed at a loss. He
scratched his chin, he twirled his moustache, he drummed with his fingers on
the side of his chair, but without obtaining anything in the nature of an
inspiration.
    Finally
he rose.
    ‘Well,
it’s no good saying I’m sorry, my dear. Nor is there much to be gained by
pointing out that I meant well. What you want is a policy, not remorseful
bleatings. I think I’ll take a turn up and down outside. The fresh air may
assist the flow of thought. And the flow of thought would certainly seem to
need all the assistance it can get.’
    He went
out through the revolving door, his head bowed, his hands clasped behind his
back. When he returned some minutes later, it was with a message of hope. His
face had cleared and he was his old bright self again.
    ‘It’s
all right, my child. This little difficulty can be very simply adjusted. It
just needed concentration. You did tell me Mugsy had returned that bust you did
of him? You have it at the studio?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Then
all is well. We will go down to Ashenden tomorrow in the car, taking it with
us, and I will substitute it for the one now in residence.’
    ‘But —’
    ‘Don’t
say “But.”‘
    ‘How
—?‘
    ‘And
don’t say “How.” It’s the sort of thing the boys in the back room used to say
to Columbus when he told them
he was going to discover America , and look how silly he