Free Letting You Know by Nora Flite Page B

the pacifist nature of how I had always handled
confrontations.
    The
cords in my forearms flexed, every ounce of me fighting to keep from
hitting him again, from doing actual damage.
    It
would have been so easy to jump on him, to hit him while he was
vulnerable. It would have been so, so easy... if I just...
    Nicholas
was sprawled out, sitting up on his elbows, staring up at me in pure
shock. In seconds, it mirrored my own expression.
    What
the hell did I just do? Did I really...
    Unbidden,
the image of Owen's crimson stained face entered my mind.
    No, I
thought desperately, that's
not me. I'm not like that, I won't let anger turn me into a monster. Yet,
even in my shame, the rage over the situation wouldn't flee. Nicholas
watched me, on the border of being scared, or furious, over my
explosion.
    Inside,
I felt a brief flicker of satisfaction. Even that, though, couldn't
sober the hot, twisting guts that refused to let me relax.
    It
was like he expected more from me, a word or a sentence to explain
away my actions. To justify what I had never, ever in my years, done
to him before.
    No, I
thought, you
don't get any answers from me. After all of this, you're not getting
anything at all.
    Straightening
up, I turned to go inside the warm, waiting house, saying nothing
else to my fallen brother.

    ****

    The
door slammed behind me, my steps long so I could cover more ground.
In the kitchen, the smell of roast and onions was strong, but I
ignored it.
    My
parents were sitting at the table, the surface covered in serving
dishes, as well as containers of hot food. They were both talking
animatedly with Bethany, who was giggling sweetly.
    Leah
was there, her chair pushed as far from them as she could get without
being obvious.
    All
those eyes lifted, fixing on me as I entered. The cold air had made
me breathe heavier, my chest burning as it adjusted to the warmth.
Even the skin on my ears was tingling.
    “ Where's
your brother?” My dad asked, hinting for the first time that he
suspected something was wrong.
    Before
I answered, we heard the front door close again. Foot steps, more
relaxed than mine had been, announced Nicholas seconds before he
appeared in the doorway. “Hey,” he smiled, “did you
guys wait for me? You didn't need to.”
    “ Of
course we waited,” our mother laughed, smiling so pretty.
    She
doesn't want to think about what we might have been talking about.
She already knows.
    Leah
met my eyes, her brown centers nervous. My neck felt stiff, all of my
muscles tight as I moved to sit beside her. That left one chair
empty, the one on the opposite side of Bethany, beside my mother.
    No
one was shocked when Nicholas flopped into it, arching his back with
a groan.
    “ Sore
from the drive?” Bethany asked him. My brother smiled thinly,
casting a long glance at me as he answered.
    “ Yeah,
something like that.”
    I
wanted to feel satisfied, but only remorse flooded my system. Being
violent, it wasn't like me. Until that unforgettable day almost a
month ago, I had never hit another person.
    Did
fighting Owen change me somehow?
    The
idea made my stomach bubble with discomfort. No,
that can't be true. Nicholas just... he just upset me so much, my
reaction was normal.
    Wasn't
it?
    My
father touched my hand, pulling me from my brooding. Praying was such
an automatic thing for me, I didn't even think about the motions.
    Gripping
his fingers, I moved to hold Leah's palm next. Peering over, the
profile of her face was enough to display her unease. I realized why
when I saw Bethany had taken her other hand. In my hurry to sit, to
be far from my ex, I hadn't considered how Leah would be the one to
endure her touch during the meal prayer.
    Oh,
please just let this be over with quickly.
    “ Can
I say the prayer?” Nicholas piped up, making us all stare at
him.
    “ Of
course, son,” our dad nodded, looking delighted by the request.
    Hanging
my head, trying my best to quell my irritation, I listened to my
brother as he cleared