Free Bang by Charles Kennedy Scott Page A

she reasoned, a finger still tugging at her open mouth for continued
effect, as the floor-indication system indicated they were leaving the System
behind and moving into the heart of the Authority.
    The contraption gave a ting at the floor the officers
argued over and eventually agreed must be the correct floor and the doors
sprung open with their mouthy hiss. The Decorating Officer, who was there to
greet them, said, ‘Here is your medal of promotion for finding the girl,
officers.’
    ‘But this medal is only for one officer,’ one
complained.
    ‘Do not trouble me with such trifling detail. I have
other people to decorate. Get out of my way!’
    ‘You’re not getting off that lightly, Decorating
Officer. Stay where you are. We want one each.’
    ‘You pipe down!’ shouted the Decorating Officer.
‘You’re getting one and one alone. Share it. Which one of you saw her first?’
    ‘ I did,’ said both officers.
    ‘No, it was me,’ said both.
    ‘Correction,’ said one. ‘I spotted her with the
plumber before you’d even got your fat ass up off that chair you like to sit in
so much and pretend to snooze.’
    ‘What plumber?’ asked the Decorating Officer.
    ‘No plumber. My colleague is imagining things. Which
is why I must have the promotion. I have no imagination, I only carry out the
letter of the law.’
    ‘There is no letter of the law, as any good lawman
knows, just idle chatter.’
    ‘ I know that,’ said the other. ‘I keep telling
him. But will he listen?’
    ‘Very well, you will both receive half a promotion.’
    ‘I’d rather have a half a cabbage. What use is half a
promotion?’
    ‘Yes, Decorating Officer, my able friend is correct.
What’s half a promotion when it’s at home?’
    ‘You’re trying my patience,’ said the Decorating
Officer, whose rank no-one had ever pinned down. Officers assumed,
understandably, that because he was a Decorating Officer he must be of senior
rank. But there was no logical reason why this had to be so. He said, ‘You may
both, in due course, again co-discover a lost person, for which there is a
prize of a single promotion, and once more share it between yourselves. Thus
gaining a full promotion each. I can’t say fairer than that.’
    ‘Be realistic, mister, it’s not exactly likely. I’ve
heard of long shots but this scenario you put to us is up there with the best.
I mean, it’s a joke. You’re the Decorating Officer but you couldn’t decorate a
wallpaper shop. You decorated my friend and pinned the medal to his knee. What
kind of a Decorating Officer pins a medal to an officer’s knee? If you were a
Decorating Officer of only a foot in height your choice would be
understandable. But even then there would be no reason why you couldn’t climb a
ladder and stand on a plinth and administer from there, or even climb up the
officer himself, or herself, and attach the medal, along with your words of
congratulation, which are very uninteresting, to the officer’s shoulder. Admit
it, you’re not a very good Decorating Officer.’
    ‘I second that,’ said the other officer.
    ‘I’m taking this higher,’ said the previous officer,
hoping to establish the Decorating Officer’s rank. ‘Who is your superior?’
    ‘We all answer to the Authority.’ This was both a
stock response and a brush off, one the Decorating Officer supplemented by
saying, ‘I know what really happened anyway, and you’re on shaky ground here.
You want to watch what you say. The plumber is a friend of mine, and he found
the girl, not you. I am sad that I will never see the plumber again, but our
friendship will go on, at least in memory, my memory. He managed to contact me,
you see, and then, suddenly, everything went quiet. Ho hum. Perhaps he too has
escaped or gone missing and there will be a reward for finding him. A quarter
of a promotion, I think. Yes, that’s what it’ll be.’
    ‘I wouldn’t even get out of bed for a quarter of a
promotion.’
    ‘Nor would