Free Dollybird by Anne Lazurko Page A

looked up. I lowered my voice. “She wouldn’t care that my body seems to be sucking the life right out of me. And I’m swelling everywhere, belly, breasts, not to mention other parts.” The others howled at the face I made. “I have to run to the outhouse every five minutes. And you should see my belly button.” The girls’ eyebrows arched. “It’s stretched so flat, it’s all but disappeared. Gone!”
    Their laughter filled the room. The other women scowled and threw agitated glances our way. Shushing Lynn, my voice sank to a whisper, exhausted by what I’d revealed and the release of tension held too long.
    â€œAnd I laugh and I cry, all in the same breath, because it feels like I’m going to be forever fat and tired and hungry and poor...”
    Afraid I might burst into tears, I stood quickly to go. Annie jumped up in alarm, pushing Lynn out of the way. Grabbing my elbow, she steered me back down the hall and up the stairs to the pitiful room that was now home. She pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and brought a drink of water in a filmy glass. I blew my nose, holding the wrinkled square of cotton there longer than necessary, embarrassed that my new neighbour might think me completely insane. I gulped the air, rushing to fill lungs starved by weeks of fear. Annie sat on the bed beside me, still holding the glass.
    â€œThank you.”
    â€œThey have a hold on you, don’t they? Mothers, I mean.” Annie was thoughtful. “It never goes away.”
    â€œI know. But she’s never allowed even the least mistake. Let alone this.” The rise in my dress was like a beacon.
    â€œWell that...,” Annie’s laugh was short and bitter, “is more than a mistake.”
    We sat in silence for a short time.
    â€œWhat’s it like?” she asked.
    â€œWell, if I let myself think about what’s happening in there, it’s actually quite amazing.” And it was. Every day my hands ran unbidden over the growing mound that was the baby. “To think this little thing is just making itself at home in there, kicking and elbowing its way around with no thought to my comfort.”
    â€œWere you sick?”
    â€œYes, the first three months were terrible. I was sick and exhausted all the time. But lately I’ve been feeling better.” I tried to smile.
    â€œI lost one.” Annie’s voice was impassive, her face expressionless.
    â€œOh Annie, I’m so sorry.”
    â€œIt was for the better. I was already living here. This is no place for a child.”
    â€œNo, I suppose not.”
    â€œAlthough it would have been nice to get that glow.” She paused. “Like you have now.”
    Her smile was encouraging. We sat quietly, not touching but close, her warmth helping me to settle into my glow. After a time Annie stood up, put the glass on the night table and walked to the door.
    â€œYou’ll be all right.” She looked back as she left. “You’re smart. Just keep out of the way and don’t ask too many questions. We’ll get you a job or something soon enough. Good night.”
    I lay back on the bed and smiled with relief.

CHAPTER 9
    i i i
    My dearest Aileen,
    Well, Mr. Penny fired me for being pregnant. Though I am destitute, I am happy to be out of his employ. I have found a rooming house for the meantime and a new friend named Annie. She has been wonderful. But the other women are like none I’ve ever met. The backwoods people of Newfoundland may be ignorant and superstitious, but these women are crass and vulgar. They are arrogant about it, too, as though these are enviable attributes. They walk between rooms barely dressed and lounge at one another’s doors smoking and chatting like they haven’t a care in the world. But they do. None has any better room or food or any more money than I. And men coming and going at all hours of the day and night. I don’t even want