Free The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. by Rene J. Smith, Virginia Reynolds, Bruce Waldman Page B

Hrothgar.
    The not-so-great late Danes made too much noise one mead-swilling night, attracting the wrath of Gren. The iconic Zombie chewed the guests out, but his snack attack, in turn, attracted the presence of one Beowulf, the type of swashbuckling meddler you still run into today, particularly in New York City and Tallahassee.
    Beowulf tore off Grendel’s arm, and though our Gren escaped, the wound weakened him sufficiently to cause his ultimate demise.
    Note that later on, Beowulf (may he rot in Hell!) cut off Grendel’s head and returned it to King Hrothgar. Ultimately, however, karma bit back: After Beowulf went on to destroy Grendel’s avenging mother (yes, this truly is a heart-rending story!), the swordslinger himself was destroyed by a dragon. His final destination: the funeral pyre.
    With war causing loss of substance and exhaustion of strength, the homes of Humans will be stripped bare. Their income will be dissipated; their gas-depleted Silverados and Siennas will rust. Nonfunctioning generators, chain saws, and leaf blowers will accumulate.

    Hence a wise Zombie general makes a point of baiting the Enemy. One abandoned Costco, because of its power to tempt Humans with pallets of still edible Dinty Moore and bins of Lance Honey Buns,* is equivalent to 20 Whole Foods Markets (with their way beyond the sell by date moldy fuzz plosions of Arugula That Time Forgot).
    When Humans engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, they will weary of wielding their fire extinguishers and toilet lids and their ardor will be dampened. If we lay siege to their malls, their radioactive landscapes, their Dixie swamplands, and their theme parks, they will exhaust their strength. If the campaign is protracted, the resources of the Humans will not be equal to the strain.

    We must, however, strike a balance between wearing down the enemy, and wearing down ourselves. Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been associated with long delays. We are, of course, shambling as hastily as we can, but let’s face it—we are not that clever, delays or no delays.
    And yet, despite the fact that there is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare, delays can serve our own Zombie Nation quite well. Thanks to our ingenious recruiting program, our victims become our soldiers! We may also dig up additional ready recruits at a convenient graveyard.
    * Speaking of snack foods, let Zombies adopt the former slogan of a prominent American snack food company: “Don’t go ’round hungry.”

    The nature of the Human is such that in order to kill their Enemy (namely us), they must be roused to anger. In addition to the obvious advantage (such as life) of defeating the Horde, they must also have “rewards,” even if these consist of unlimited rides on the Tilt-A-Whirl and looting tourist souvenir shops.
    Zombies must be roused, period. Generally by movement, noise, and proximity of meat (i.e., the reward).
    Therefore in attacking HOV-lane cars and trucks, also known as Meals on Wheels, when ten or more such vehicles have been halted, those Zombies should be rewarded who took down the first. Captured Humans should be promptly eaten. This is called using the conquered foe (and his BRRRAAAIIINNNS) to augment one’s own strength.
    In war, then, let your great object be
ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION,
not lengthy campaigns. This precept shall determine
whether the Horde shall be in peace, or pieces.

three

OFFENSIVE
STRATEGY
    Offensive? Moi? Nay, ’tis only
a flesh wound!

    On the subject of sustaining minor injuries: Though flesh (and other) wounds hurt like hell until you’re fully Zombie fied, they comprise part of your offensive arsenal. Lacerations, abrasions, incisions, and gunshot wounds are useful in that they unnerve and discompose the Living, who will soon be decomposing themselves! BWAHAHA!
    S un-Tzumbie said: If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you will be