Free Not That You Asked (9780307822215) by Andy Rooney Page B

demanded “enough electrical outlets for all!” It’s time for each of us to demand enough outlets in our homes. Not only should there be enough but they should be put where we need them and where we can get at them. Why are they always installed along the baseboard, on the longest section of wall, where any fool should know the couch is going to go? How do they expect us to plug anything into the wall behind the couch? And why did they put two outlets there instead of six?
    Is there anyone who doesn’t have an electric clock in the bedroom? A radio? Some lamps? Possibly even a television set, a hair dryer or an air conditioner? Then why in the world did the people who built the house only install two electrical outlets? Are they in business with the companies that make those gadgets that convert one outlet into three? Do they get a percentage from the makers of extension cords?
    The kitchen in this house is lined with a tangle of power-carrying cords. There’s a clock over the stove, a blender, a Cuisinart, a toaster oven, an orange juicer, a small black-and-white television set, a radio and on occasions I bring in an electric griddle for pancakes, a popcorn popper, a deep-fat fryer or a small Waring ice cream maker.
    A moratorium ought to be declared on the invention and manufacture of new electrical appliances until they work out a better system for plugging them in. Half the time when you start to connect an appliance, you find the maker was so concerned about the possibility you’d be electrocuted, that he put a three-pronged plug on the end of the cord.
    There are few experiences in life more frustrating than having a three-pronged plug and a two-hole outlet. In my lifetime I’ve bought a hundred three-pronged adapters, but where are they when I need one?
    I have no objection to grounded plugs if the experts tell us we should use them but then why do they ever put in a wall plug that isn’t equipped to take a three-pronged plug? It should be illegal. I could probably go to jail for it but I confess that in moments of frustration I have gone to the kitchen drawer with the pliers in it and used themto bend off the offending ground pin so that the plug will fit into the wall socket.
    With so many fools in the world, it’s impossible to make the world foolproof. The people trying to make the world safe for everyone are fighting a losing battle and one that makes life difficult for the average person.
    Fifteen or twenty years ago some electrical genius decided to make plugs whose prongs were a different size. The larger of the two prongs doesn’t fit into the old standard wall plug. I have never understood what this latest development in the field of power cords does for me but I managed to stay alive without being electrocuted for many years before we had plugs in which one of the prongs was bigger than the other.
    It seems inconceivable to me that the minds that came up with the fantastic array of electrical appliances available to all of us couldn’t come up with some new idea for wall sockets that would be convenient, safe and good-looking. It should not be necessary to hide them under the bed, behind the couch or in the next room, where you can’t get at them.
The Privacy of a Public Person
    A year ago I was walking along a street in Greenwich Village having a good time doing not much of anything when a man wearing a sweater and blue jeans and carrying a violin case grabbed me by the arm.
    â€œHey,” he said, “aren’t you Andy Rooney?”
    It seems presumptuous of anyone to grab me under any circumstances but even more so when the person doesn’t even know for sure who he’s grabbing.
    â€œA lot of people ask me that,” I said, and walked on.
    â€œHey, no kidding,” he said, grabbing my arm again, “are you Andy Rooney?”
    â€œLook,” I said, “I’m minding my own business. Why don’t you mind