Free Cold by Alison Carpenter Page A

towards Rocky, and took a tentative step towards her. "Would you let me help you?"
    Rocky closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. "A long time ago, I learned not to feel, not to hope. It was the only way to survive. To not want anything, then I wouldn't miss anything. And I've been fine for a while now. I've come to terms with what I don't have. Then you come along."
    Jo ducked her head, seeing tears forcing themselves from between tightly shut eyelids. "And?" she coaxed.
    "And you made me feel." She looked up into blue, the tears falling freely from her eyes. "You made me want. I can't survive wanting. Not out here."
    "Then come back with me." Jo took a step towards her, reaching for her.
    "No!" Rocky held up her hands, backing away. "Don't promise something you can't give."
    "I won't promise anything, and I don't want promises from you. I'd just like to help you. Why won't you let me?"
    "Because I've lost so much, and if I have nothing, then I can't lose anything." She lifted her gloved hands to her face and sobbed into them. The feel of hands on her shoulders made her look up again. "Please don't," she said as Jo pulled her towards her.
    "Sssh," whispered the taller woman, and pulled the tense body against her own. She felt the resistance slowly dissipate, and the blonde head, hat and all, tucked itself beneath her chin. "There," she said, closing her eyes. "I don't understand it either." She felt the small body shaking in her arms, and held on tighter. "I've got you," she whispered.
    "Here." Jo pushed Rocky gently towards the bench and eased them both down, never letting go of the girl. "Let's see." She raised the tear-stained face and wiped away the moisture with gentle fingers.
    "I haven't...cried for so... long," said Rocky between hiccups.
    "Sometimes it's good to cry."
    "Do you cry?" Rocky looked up into Jo's face, wiping her own with a dirty sleeve.
    Jo's brow creased in thought, and she shook her head. "Can't say I do."
    Rocky disengaged herself from the dark woman's embrace. "I'm sorry."
    "For what?"
    Rocky shrugged. "I should be going. I need to get a hot meal, I have to be down at the church."
    "Let me get you something." Jo stood, gathering up her belongings, and putting them into the bag.
    "No." Rocky put up her hands again, forestalling Jo's protests. "No. I need to think. I need to talk to Edna."
    "But Edna said..."
    "I know. But I've listened to her a lot. Ever since I've been here. Give me some time. Please."
    Jo took a step back and nodded. "Ok." She turned to the items she'd given Rocky. "Will you still take these?"
    The blonde gave her a smile, causing Jo to smile right back at her. "Thank you, Jo. I'll look after them."
    "Oh!" Jo suddenly remembered another something she had in her pocket. "I want you to have this too." She handed a couple of cards to the girl. "It's a phone card. It has £10 on it. And the other card is my number and my mobile number. If ever you need me, any time, just use it to call me."
    Rocky looked long and hard at the cards and then put them in her pocket.
    "Can I see you later today?" asked Jo.
    "No," said Rocky, looking up, and almost flinching at the hurt she saw in the blue eyes. "Just give me today. I'll be back here in the morning."
    "Will you?"
    Rocky saw the doubt in her eyes. "Like you said, Jo, no promises." She took a deep breath. "I've been out here for a long time. For a while I had to rely on Edna and some of her friends to survive. But the past three years I've looked after myself. Sure, I have to rely on charity, but that's all. I've never taken money from strangers on the streets. I've never sold my body. I don't run drugs. All of those things could have made my life more comfortable." She tucked the sleeping bag and the other items into her bags. "This is the first time something has been given to me personally. I didn't think I could accept something like that."
    "I was worried you wouldn't take it."
    "Well, like I said before. I'm not stupid enough to refuse