Free Bad Austen by Peter Archer Page A

reviews: It was discussed at gatherings in high society, and people raved about it in letters to family and friends. Even the royal family was impressed. Fifteen-year-old Princess Charlotte wrote, “I have
just finished
reading; it certainly is interesting, & you feel quite one of the company. I think Maryanne & me are very like in
disposition
, that certainly I am not so good, the same imprudence, &c, however remain very like. I must say it interested me much.”
    Now, after so many years and so many trials, Jane Austen was seeing her first “child” in print and what’s more, she was learning that people were buying it, and reading it, and finding it interested them much.
    It was then that I ripped my own clothes and kicked my knickers off, unbuttoning your breeches as well. When my scream echoed throughout the night, and everyone came rushing to my aid, the draught was then starting to wear off and you were only slightly aware of your faculties. With my histrionics, it was all the easier to make people think that you had done the deed that I myself had contrived. I am thereby sending you a little memento along with this letter, my soiled knickers so that you might enjoy them in the moments before the morrow’s hanging.
    Sincerely yours, elizabeth Bennet.
    E mma I nterrupted
    J OCELYN A RCHER
    Emma Housewood, greedy, crafty, and far too wealthy for her own good, was blessed with a somewhat-less-than-sour disposition and the possession of an estate, which many somewhat-better-than-lesser men would happily marry for and united in her form the many blessings of the slightly more than mediocre.
    The youngest of nineteen daughters of a most doting and liberal father, Emma had little but that of her own making to ever distress, vex, or otherwise frustrate her. Her mother had died at a young age, mainly of exhaustion, and so Emma kept house for her father once her sisters had married suitable young men of the most noble professions with handsome estates of their own, or at least so was Emma’s impression, though she retained little memory of those things which pertained to beings other than herself.
    As her mother was dead, Emma herself had been raised by the most kind of governesses, a woman whose laziness and love of distraction never allowed her to show Emma unkindness in the form of harsh words or deeds. The two were more like sisters than teacher and pupil, or so they were considered, mainly due to the fact that Emma’s rich diet caused slight pockmarks and a less-than-delicate figure which gave her an air of one twice her own age.
    When her governess married, Emma was not sure how she could bear the loss. What would she do without another being in the house entirely lacking in any desire to better or edify Emma? How could she live without a friend to verify her own high opinions of herself and low opinions of others? No one but Emma herself could ever esteem her as Miss Tyler had. Sadly, Emma accepted the fact that her one true friend and sister would be the great distance of one hour’s carriage ride away and set upon a most important task, to find one closer whom she could impart her wisdom on and whose will was easier to bend to her own. By luck, the very next day she met the toady and obsequious Hester Merwin, and her newest of projects began.
    W ild and W anton J ane
    A NABELLA B LOOM
    After a day spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity, Mr. Collins worked up the courage to kiss his fiancée. He had been thinking of it most earnestly since their private walk. Preparing her for this advance in their relationship, he felt, was his solemn duty, and therefore he spent several minutes lecturing on the state of an engagement and how it was very like a marriage in the eyes of all, especially with steady characters such as theirs. Then, proceeding to wet his mouth as to not make the experience unpleasant, he took her by the arms and pressed his mouth to hers.
    Charlotte was by no means deficient in knowledge